Message From The Dark Side

Recently I broke my mobile phone, and for the past few weeks I've had to make do with a quite old Motorola.
The KRAZR I think it's called.

It's shite.

I can pick the out the things it does differently to my old mobile, and criticize it all day long.
I hate using it.

So, yesterday, I went outside without it.
For the first time in about 6 years, I left the house without my mobile phone.

And it was brilliant.

Without a phone you have no control over other people.
You can't text people and organise to see them.
If anything bad happens, you can't contact anyone.

It scary. And fun.

Getting rid of my mobile phone got rid of my sense of responsibility. It challenged me to be more pro-active in getting what I needed. Also, weirdly, it gave me a sense of power.

It reminded me that if I want to go see someone, then I had to get of my arse, and go and see them. Not be lazy and just text them.

I'm becoming quite the technophobe.

30 Day Challenge.

Is forcing yourself to do something creative good or bad?

Does hard work spawn good creative ideas? Or do the best ideas come from living and observing life?
I'm gonna force myself to write one blog, per day, for lent.

And force is the right word.

At least for the first few days. But then, after a while, I'm certain that it's gonna become a lot easier.
In fact, getting started is the hardest thing to do, ever.
Your body and brain don't like change, whether it's good or bad.
Adult Story Time
A couple were having trouble with their relationship. They didn't feel like the fancied each other anymore, and the connection between them just wasn't there anymore. In fact, they didn't love each other anymore.
Until they tried the 30 DAY CHALLENGE.

The 30 day challenge, means having sex, at least once a day, every day, for 30 days.
Now, for anyone who has been in a stale relationship, they know that is one hell of a task.
When there is no passion, to just jump straight into bed naked is something you just don't wanna do.
The first few days were a struggle. They both felt tired; couldn't be bothered; wasn't turned on; but they stuck to it. They had sex even when they both would rather go sleep.

And then something interesting happened.

After about 10 days, they both began to start to look forward to seeing their partner again.
They began to day dream about what they were going to do in the bedroom later.
They were thinking of new idea's more regularly, new positions, new ways to excite.
They looked forward to the sex, because they knew it was going to happen.

By the 30th day, they wern't having sex because they had to, but because they wanted to.
And, most importantly, they realised that they loved each other again.

Survival Instincts

Boys. Girls.
Both full of so much bullshit.
And I blame fucking Disney.

Lets think about caveman times. Imagine you were there.
Was there such a thing as romance? Did it exist? I don't think it would have. It's too much hassle.

In fact, lets be honest, why were we created? To pro-create. To have sex. To do the dirty. To fuck.
The only reason the human race has survived, is because we fuck a lot. Causes sperm to go to the egg and so on and so forth.

Which is why, when looking for a potential partner, our instincts always tell us to go for the slutty one. The one that'll put out.
It's natural. Men want women to harbour their sperm, and women want to be blasted in said sperm as much as possible.
It's how we've survived! It's how nature works. You can't argue against it, as in in your genes.
You are programmed to have sex.

So that gets me wondering...... Where the fuck did romance come from?

When did women start wanting sensitive, kind and generally nice guys, when all they really want is a bad ass fucker who is gonna protect them from predators, and fuck them until they can't feel their legs? Like they're programmed to want!

When did guy's want cute, petite, and caring women, when all they really want is a slutty girl, who looks like someone who can take a dick and give birth to their child? Like they're programmed to want!


I blame fucking Disney.

They may not have came up with the whole Price Charming malarky, but they spread the concept worldwide. They turned our desires for a partner, from a badass predator, to a soppy arse git. All because it's nice.
Because it makes us happy.
We're not supposed to feel happy! Hence why when it does happen, it's such a rush!

And anyone who does truly desire this Disney Prince/Princess for a partner, is either infertile, or just plain full of bullshit.

The kind of bullshit that has been drilled into your head for your entire life.
The kind of bullshit that makes you happy.

The Anti-Valentines Day Message

Single yesterday? Ooooooo, ouch.
But lemme guess, you still had a nice day didn't you?
I bet you still had a lovely day. Some people hate being single. Especially on V day. But, in the grand scheme of things, is it all that bad?


People want relationships for a whole load of reasons.
They want to feel loved;
They want to fuck someone;
They want to feel special and be treated, just to name a few.
But all they really want, is a time to remember.

Think of life as a Football game. Lots of chasing things around, going for glory, and then eventually losing possession. It has good, bad, and meaningless events happening at all times.

But at the end of the day, when Match of The Day is on, all you ever want to see is the highlights.

And when you are on your deathbed, that is all you will want to remember. The highlights.

I mean, come on, no one ever queued for a flat rollercoaster.



Relationships are highlights. They are times you remember, because they involve people that you will remember. But they are not the only highlights.

Take a nostalgic look into your life, and think about the highlights. (Easy way to do this, is by looking at your old myspace profile, or checking your first ever Facebook profile pic, or message.)

Now, for me, when I look back, I see that the most highlights I've had have been with my friends. Not with my girlfriends.
Don't get me wrong, I've had some great time with my girlfriends, and I wouldn't swap those memories for the world. But my friends are the most important.

What I'm trying to say is, friends are the people you should try and show you love on V day.

I got lucky cuz my girlfriend is one of my best friends.



If you still wish you were loved yesterday, then remember you will always have your family.

If you wanted a fuck yesterday, then be forward about it. Someone will say yes.

And if you wanted to feel special yesterday, then I'm am happy to say that your day will come. You will get married. You will have kids. You will love unconditionally.

Just wait.

Billy Fisher

I'm a very honest person. Which is ironic, considering that I am playing a pathological liar in my new play.

I like to think of honesty as my greatest quality. I feel it defines who I am, people know where they can stand with me, and it may even make me seem a little trustworthy.

But it is also my greatest weakness. My quest for this honor in life, causes me to fail at things where a simple lie could have gotten me much further.

Case in point: I was in a job interview recently, and I was asked "Why do you want to work here?"

My answer: "I would like the money."
Well I wasn't going to lie to the woman! And in all fairness, I stand by the decision to say that to this day.

Just for those who don't know, I am currently unemployed.

So now answer me this:
Is it better to fail with honor, or succeed by fraud?

The Opposite Concept of Horoscopes.

Ever noticed that when you want something in particular, real bad, it never happens.
Ever noticed that when you need something in particular, real bad, it never happens.

Now everyone wants to have good things, right?
And everyone needs good things to happen, right?
And good things do happen. A lot.
But when you want one thing, so much, it just doesn't work out for you.
So what I've taken to doing, is not wanting anything too much.

I don't ever have a passionate desire to have something, because that way, I know I won't ever get it. And even if by some crazy stretch of imagination, I do get it, I know it won't be as good as I have built it up to be in my head.

Instead, I say fuck it, and care about getting as little as possible. Because that way I feel that I'm more likely to get good things.

Or maybe it's just that when the good things do happen, they seem better because I'm not expecting them?

Is this some crazy karma shit, where life rewards you for just living for the moment?
Or is it just a trick of the mind?

Maybe it's both.

I WRITE IN CAPS BECAUSE THAT WAY ITS FUCKING LOUD.

Experiment time.

I want you to turn your music up. If you're not listening to music, then put some on.
Turn it up real loud. Louder than it has ever been before. As loud as it can go.
So loud that in 20 years time you'll have shite hearing because of it.

So loud that it's destructive.

Because that is the time when I feel the most peace, and the most silence.
Your consciousness is so taken up by the fact that theres this shit loud music blasting in your ears, that you forget everything else. All you care about is the music.
Isn't it fucking bliss?

You not caring about anyone knocking on your door, because you wont hear it anyway.
You dont care about your phone going off, because you wont hear it anyway.
You don't care about anything else because there is no point. You won't hear it.

Like I said, bliss.
If only I could find a (legal) way to do this with the other senses.