The Cleon Crisp-cup

My mum always used to tell me I was special.
Not because I had some sort of mental disablity or anything.
She just said it cuz she was my Mum. That's what Mums do.

You see all those funny people on X-factor who say "My Mum says I'm a good singer" literally straight after they just murdered I Believe I Can Fly, by R Kelly.

Well of course your Mums gonna tell you your good dickhead! It's your fecking Mum.
If she didn't then she could probably get accused of child abuse.

But it still amazes me how much people are influenced by their Mums telling them they're special. I mean I was. I only started acting because my Mum said that.
And it doesn't just stop at Mums either, it could be anyone. Your Dad, your teacher, in fact pretty much anyone with an influence over you.
If they say your special, then you believe them.

But before you believe them, take a long hard look at yourself.
Compare yourself to who you were 6 months ago, and then also what you want to become in 6 months time.
Anything close to what you wanna be?
I bet not.

Deep down. In the gut of my stomach, I know I'm not special.
I'm nowhere near. In fact I struggle to be average.
I want to be special. I really do!

I want a unique and crazy personality where I'm one of a kind. But I just know I'm not.
I look at other people, and admire them for who they are, and that what they do is better than what I can do. I just think, "Wow, I'm just like you, but a diet version."
In fact I get kinda jealous. And I wish I was them.
I mean I could try being something a little bit different to them, so that I'm unique. But I know I never will be. I will always be the same deep down.

Not special.
Not different.
Not unique.

But, what I am however, is a different perspective.
If you've read one of my earlier blogs, I make the brash statement of saying that life is always the same. Good or bad. It's just viewed from a different perspective.

This is most true now.

This person I was jealous of, may be better than me when viewed from a certain perspective.
But from another perspective, or another persons perspective, I completely blow them out of the water.

You tell me how many people you know prefer Diet Coke to normal Coke?
Cuz I know a lot.

Your mum is always right, because she always has the right perspective.

I've left a lot unanswered on this blog, but it's too long, and too late to carry on. If you have any qualms or questions, check this bad boi out: http://www.formspring.me/cleonclarke

Still Alive

You ask anyone what they want in life, and it's always happiness.

Quite rightly too tbh. Happiness is probably the most important thing in life.

Or is it?

Don't get me wrong. I just want to be happy for the next 60 odd years I spend breathing. That is quite literally the meaning of life if I'm being honest. The pursuit of happiness.

But, as with everything, it's no way near as simple as that.

Newtons 3rd Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.

Hmm.

Lets assume for a second, that to be happy, you kinda need to be a "winner" in life, instead of a loser. I'm not saying that every human being on the planet can be categorised into two catagories, win or fail, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
I mean, if you fail at everything you do at life, your hardly gonna be joyful are you?
Well if there is such a thing as a winner, then there must automatically be a loser.

It is true that such things such as a "win-win situation" do exist, but they are few and far between. And they dont work out that well.

I believe the real winners in life are the ones who say Fuck It to compromise, and get exactly what they want.

How far would you go to be a winner?

All I want in my life is to be happy.
But if I'm sat on my deathbed, and I say "Shit, I wish I hadn't done that." They I dont think it'll have been worth it. You may have been happy for the majority of your adult life, but if your not happy in your final moments of your life, and you begin to regret, then I reckon you've fucked up somewhere down the line.

I'm scared I'm gonna regret.

But Fuck It.
I'll be dead.
I'm pretty sure I wont give a shit.

Are you supposed to be happy, when all you've ever wanted, comes at a price?

I'm a slow reader

Whenever I do well at things nowadays, I feel bad about myself.

I don't know if it's a self defense mechanism that my brain has put in place to stop me becoming disappointed, when things inevitably go tits up.
I hope not. I like to be disappointed. It shows I'm aiming high.

I could easily succumb to the feelings that my brain's sending out, and just stop trying to do well at things.
That way I'd be content.
I'd be the same.
I'd be fucked.
I'd be crying.

Therefore I'm scared about doing well. And its a fear that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. Which isn't good at all.

If I've got this fear, then surely it's always gonna be holding me back later on.

Or maybe it's just setting me up, so that when I do come good, and things turn out well, I feel fucking amazing about myself.

I've missed this blogging shite.

*facepalm*

Straight to the point. I'm in a rut.

Recently, and for quite a while, people have tried to make me feel like I'm a bad person. Like I'm a villain.

Now with the way I was brought up, I know the difference between right and wrong.
But these people made me question myself. They made me think twice about not just what I've done, but who I am. They made me question what I stand for.
They also seem to have convinced a lot of other people that I'm a terrible, and heartless person. And if so many people thought that, then who was I to say they were wrong?

I mean, I'm sure Hitler thought he was a really nice person. He just had a different point of view to everyone else.
However, a lot of things point the fact that Hitler was a dick. He committed a genocide, and cause the deaths of millions of people.
Everyone in the world must have thought he was a dick. But did he know it?
If he did, did he care? I don't think so.

A lot of people play up to something when they are labelled it. If a kid gets labelled as an ASBO, then he usually goes and becomes even more of a dick than before. If someone gets labelled as a fighter, then he will go and get in more fights. If a girl gets labelled a slag, then they will go out and see more boys. People like to play up to what people think of them, even if it's bad.
Why? So that they belong?
Or are they, in fact, not playing up at all, and instead thats what they were like in the first place, but now its just more noticable.

If everyone thought that Hitler was a nice guy, then I'm sure a lot of people may have forgotten those few million Jews he killed.

What I'm trying to say is; people see what they want to see.

If they know that someone is nice and helpful, then they will look over the fact that he/she just stole someones seat in the social lounge. They will just see the funny side.

On the other hand, if a person thinks that someone is horrible and mean, then they're going to think that stealing someones seat in the social lounge is a horrible thing to do. It adds to their reputation.

On a personal level, I believe I have a reputation. A bad one.
So that therefore when I do bad things, people easily pick up on them, and then use that as ammunition, adding to their assumption of me.
They will forget all the nice things I've done. In fact, they wont even notice them in the first place.

I am not a bad person.

But some people say I am.

I don't know why they say this anymore. I really don't.

"This journey's almost over, I'm the only one left,
Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Walter Nepp,
The other guys have taught you things of great positive worth,
But I'm afraid I'm here to bring you back down to Earth,
See you can live your life in control and be nice,
But even that will not promise you a happy life,
You may think yourself in general to be a nice guy,
But I'm telling you now - that right there is a lie,
Even the nicest of guys has some nasty within 'em,
You don't have to be backlit to be the villain,
Whether it be greed lust or just plain vindictiveness,
There's a level of benevolence inside all of us,
You can paint yourself an image and live in your own little dream,
But this ain't a dream, it's one big silver screen,
So when you think you've got your happy ending don't ever forget it,
It ain't over til you hear the sound of your end credits."

Spray pants.

"To get respect, you must give respect" - Jon Jepson

A natural urge for any human being is just to be liked.
If people like the person they see in front of them, then that person must surely feel good about themselves, right?
Right. And wrong.

If you have a lot of friends, then obviously your doing something right in life, because people like to be around you, and must enjoy even knowing you.

Let's not forget that Hitler was a popular person. He was a people person too.
Im pretty sure that if I met Hitler on a night out, I would probably develop a man crush on him. He was just that kind of guy. He could talk well, he was strong and positive minded (which is possibly the most attractive trait a person can have) and I've even heard he could be quite funny on occasion.

But in all honesty, was he a nice guy?

Many of the same traits that I've also heard about the Queen. Yes, I'm comparing the Queen to Adolf Hitler. I believe they have the same sense of attractiveness, which is probably due to the fact that they both had a lot of power.
Another natural urge for any human being is to have power.
And people in power can rule over us-blessed-without-power, in either 2 ways:
Fear or Respect.

In my experience, fear works much better in having an effect on people. It's easier, it's quicker. There are really many, many advantages for it.
And there are plenty less advantages for ruling with respect. It's much harder, takes a lot more effort, and generally doesn't work as well.

But then why, when I'm put in the situation of wanting/needing to have control over other people, do I always try to get them to respect me? And never fear me?
It rarely works out, yet I can't seem to change my ways.

People will like you and want to be friends with you for 2 reasons. Fear and respect.
Admittedly it's more indirect, but it's still the same. I think.

I urge everyone out there to go for respect. Fear is a horrible feeling.

Ruled The Roost

I need a game plan.

Cuz I mean, when you're "born to be an actor" like I am, you need to put in a little effort to do it, don't you?
So I need a little game plan. Just a few small targets so that I'm not so bogged down by the grand scheme of everything. Because then self motivation is just that little bit easier.

Nice choice of words, Conor. Game plan.

As if life's a game.
Life isn't a game. Life is an ultra serious concept that you must take seriously, because that is the only way you'll seriously get anywhere in it.

Fuck serious.

Love unserious.

Waiting For The Beat To Kick In.

Today, I finally felt like I was ready.
Ready for the world.
Ready to live.
Ready to achieve.

It's rare to ever get a feeling like that. One of almighty hope and freedom.

Freedom. Not free.
I didn't feel free. In fact, I felt as trapped as ever.
Cuz I realised how little my life had been before, and still is.

To be free is to be able to do whatever you want, without any consequences.
To have a sense of freedom, is basically knowing that whatever you do has consequences, but fuck it, I'll deal with the consequences when they come along.


Today I felt as adult and mature as possible. I felt wise.

This moment didn't happen instantly, of course. In fact it took about as long as a 20 minute walk in the freezing cold.
(e.g. Nowhere near as long as it seems.)

Tomorrow I shan't feel the same.