Unfinished First Draft

I wrote this about 4 months ago when I was feeling especially artistic. It's a first draft of a little conversation that I just kinda made up in my head. The setting is a counselling session between P (patient) and C (counsellor) I would apprieciate any contructive criticism, and advice on how to improve it, and maybe even continue the story if people like it.
Like I said, its not finished, but here goes......


C: (writing) 23rd March, session number..... Number...... I’m so sorry; I’ve forgotten which number today is. You don’t know do you?

P: Are you fucking serious?
Wow, you really do know how to make a patient feel at home, don’t you? You must have passed through counselling school with flying colours.
C: .....Session number 4. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t say the word “patient.” There’s no such thing as patients here, okay? Were just mates, you know, having a conversation.
P: Yeah. Best buds. The fucking dynamic duo.
C: Are you trying to make me laugh?
P: Yeah.
C: Then why is that? Why do you want to make me laugh?
P: ‘Because you’re a dick!
C: (giggle) You like to rebel a lot don’t you?
P: Anarchy is the only reason I’m still alive. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
C: Well that’s an improvement. On Tuesday you said you had no reason to live. What’s happened to cause you to change...
P: Ask me what I did last night.
C: What did you do last night?
P: I stopped myself from killing myself.
Well.... not a first.
First I did what every self respecting man, who gave a shit about himself in my situation would have done. I stocked up on Pot Noodles, and Tesco Value curries, all the cheap arse microavable food I could manage, and then went for a swim in Rutland Water. It was fucking freezing, but I figured, hey, the cramp will kick in soon, and then I won’t give two shits about whether it’s cold or not.
Have you ever tried holding your breath underwater in the bath?
Have you ever tried to do it for as long as possible?
The first 20-30 seconds are easy. But then you get to the burn. Your body starts to panic, and you begin to crave oxygen. The fear that goes through your mind is second to none. There’s nothing else you can think about. All you can concentrate on is how you’re not getting any oxygen.
The fear is pure. And it’s fucking brilliant. You don’t feel anything else. You can’t feel anything else.
And then that fear quickly turns into calm. After that initial burn, your body starts to accept what’s happening, and instead of fighting it, it goes with the flow.
I felt calm.
So fucking calm.
And for once in my life, I was able to think straight.

C: ...... and? What happened? What did you think about?
P: What the fuck do you think?

Letter to my future self.

Dear 28 year old Conor.

Hows it going? Having fun?
I'm just writing to give you a bit of a nostalgia trip, and to just remind you of a few things I wouldn't want you to forget.

Remember how crazy life was when you were 18?
Unsure about exactly what you were going to do with your life, and where you're going to go. Unsure about how it was gonna work, when you knew you were gonna struggle to make a living if you followed your dream.

I hope you did follow your dream anyway.
I hope you made it.

I also hope you stayed honest, and kept your honour, and integrity.
And if you didn't, well I know you at least tried.

It's hard back here, in the past. Things are scary, and new, and weird.
But I'm sure its all worth it in the end.

Write back if you can, I'm sure you've got some great stories to tell!

Ill see you in 10 years. I'll make sure to buy you a beer!

Yours sincerly, Conor Clarke (18)

W.ednesday T.hursday F.riday.

It's a common known fact, that the best parties, and events, are always the ones that are organised really late in advance. The kinda ones where someone just gets bored one evening, so invites 6 or 7 people round to his house, and they all drink until they fall over, and metaphorically die.
Weve all been there.

And then you start to realise, that the best things in life follow the exact same premise.
The best friendships are the ones that start spontaneously.
The best experiences are the ones that you stumble across.
The best things in life are the things that aren't planned.

Now this is probably because there are no expectations, and you don't expect much to happen, so when it does, its amazing.

Or maybe, (excuse the crazy religious/karma/idiotic-non-literal-or-logical-thinking here,) but maybe it's life rewarding you for doing something crazy.
And spontaneous.
And different.
And out of the blue.

Right now I have people shouting at me from all angles, to plan my life out.
To sort out what I'm going to do in the future, and sort out what I'm gonna do with my life.

And you know what is also a common known fact: failing to plan, is planning to fail.

So which common known fact is right? The one that a lot of much older and wiser people have told me? Or the one I have learnt from experience?
Do I trust myself? Or do I trust others?

OimTheMayorrrr

Felt ill today. Really fuckin ill.

Wasn't sure how... which might sound weird, but I just had no energy.
Therefore the illness kinda killed all of my motivation to do anything.

And why did I feel ill? Well, it was probably because I wasn't doing anything. Which is kinda ironic.

But I feel better now.
All because of one little task which took all my stress and illness away.

Brushing my teeth.

Brushing your teeth is quite possibly the most relaxing thing a person can do in their day. But for some reason it's overlooked and forgotten about as a stress relieving method.
Everytime I brush my teeth now, I kinda soak in it.
I take my time, I make sure I conciously notice every moment of it.

Next time you brush your teeth, take your time.
Feel the bristles brushing against your teeth and your mouth.
Taste the mint in the toothpaste.
Feel the bubbles washing around your mouth.

You'll know what I mean when you do it.

A great Japanese man once called it:
The Expedition Over The Great White Mountains.

But they're slightly yellow in my case.

I chose character.

I once said that I believe I went through certain times and events in my life, which I believed served me no purpose whatsoever.
All these times and events did, was served to make me scared of things in life.
"Make me anxious about things, which I would have previously just ignorantly rushed into"

I've gotten to the stage now, where I think I've found a reason for those things.

The reason is fear.

Fear is a beautiful, amazing thing.
I will go out on a limb, and say that fear is the greatest thing in your life.
Your brain, your psyche, it all runs off fear.

This is because, the single best feeling in a persons life, is overcoming fear.
When someone conquers fear, it builds their confidence, their character, and builds them into a stronger person.

These events that had happened to me have just given me an oppourtunity to have more fears to conquer.
And as such, more character to build.

Its the new style.

I couldn't have gotten to where I am now, to who I am now, without going through certain moments.
Win or fail. It's always character building.
Fail is more character building. Win is more confidence building.

Can't have confidence without character.

What would you prefer? Character, or confidence?

Galadriel. I win.

I've written before that everything that ever happens, is purely a matter of perspective.
Whatever you view, is real for you. And real in general.
Because lets be honest, if it's real for you, then that's all that matters.
This is your world, and it's never going to be somebody else's.

Problems in life, can really easily come from trying to view another persons perspective.
Trying to figure out what other people want, (don't get me started on women,) is a fricken recipe for absolute disaster. It causes despair. The kind of despair, that happens when you know you'll never be able to do something, but you still try to.
No one will ever be able to figure out another person fully.
I would know.

Except Derren Brown. He's good at that stuff.

It's impossible to feel how someone is really feeling. And even if you get close, it causes a load of shit and pain. And that's aslong as the process of doing it doesn't kill you first.
I'm not talking about empathy however. That's something completely different.
Thats just putting yourself in another persons shoes, and hoping to feel something.


The amount of pain that everyone goes through in this life, is about all that they can take.
So trying to feel that pain, is like asking your mind and psyche to hurt itself, purely because your conscience feels like it's what should happen.


However, I like to think of myself as an actor.
I mean, sometimes I like to think I can actually class myself as an actor. Other days I can't even mention the word, as I don't feel worthy enough.
But as an actor, I'm told countless times to feel what a character is feeling. But it's impossible. My head isn't up to it.
But from now on, I'm gonna give it a fucking good try. (Nothing's impossible really.)

However, in real life, there's no point.

Just take your own problems and pain, and deal with it.
Don't ask others to share it with you, subconsciously or consciously.
And don't add to other peoples problems either. That cures nothing.

Just quietly get on with the job at hand.