I... um..... I.....

Ever struggled for words?

Not knowing what to say, whether it be in an argument or when writing a Christmas card is annoying. You can sit there for hours, and end up writing 3 words.

Fuck this shit.

I should know, my personal statement has taken me fucking years.

But I've realised now, that whenever you're truly angry, or truly sorry, you never struggle for words.

When you're there, crying your eyes out over somebody, you never, ever run out of things to say.

Your brain just knows exactly what to say.

It always knows what to say, and thats the truth.

Whenever you are passionate about something, and its truly affected you, you can talk forever about it. And thats because in your heart, it's true.

Subconsciously, your brain always has an opinion on something. It always has something to say.

And if you are ever struggling for something to say, then it's probably because what you want to say, isn't the truth.

People lie for all sorts of reasons. And not just to others, but also to themselves.

So if you've ever wondered how you truly feel, or if you're just lying to yourself, you should talk about it.

Because if it's true, you will be able to talk forever.

Fonder Absence The Heart Makes Grow.

Continuing the nostalgia trend, take a quick look back at past times.
Have a jog through your memory.
And think about all the times you hated.

Yup, think about all those times you did something you regretted, or think about previous failures, or even think about long lost loves.

Done?
Now I'm betting that when you look back at those times, you're not feeling bad about it all. In fact, I'm betting you're sat there maybe even smiling right now.

Because even though at that moment in time, those events that happened made you think it was the end of the world, now, they just seem quite funny.

And do you know why that is?
It's because you were having fun.
....By living

It may not have seemed like it at the time, but for every second you experience a terrible, and strong emotion, you are having so much fun!

Because you lived through it. And well fucking done you.

So next time you leave the house, do something absolutely crazy that you know you're gonna regret.

Because to live through it, is awesome.

WARNING: NOSTALGIA CAN BE DANGEROUS.

A lot of people have said to me, that I need to make my blog a bit more personal.
Because otherwise it's not really a blog.

So I've done this.
It's the last 3 and a half years of my life. In picture form. With accompanying music tracks, that have had an effect on me at that certain time in my life.
And it's fucking long.
52 songs. 425 pictures.


It's not perfect, but that's because it's not done as a film. It's done as a memory. One big long, imperfect, messed up, choppy memory.
I've also missed bits out. (I dont seem to have one picture of when Markus came over!!)

The music quality is also a bit dodgy at times too. And I gave up on fitting the tracks together very early on.

However, it is personal.

WARNING: NOSTALGIA CAN BE DANGEROUS.

Let it out.

I was told in my training week here at Disney, that when you pose for a picture inside one of your costumes, you will still smile, even though no one can see it. As if it is actually you who is being photographed, and not the big plastic face that has been slapped on your head.

But I don't.

I pull some of the most disgusting faces ever. I mean, I'm not doing it for fun, it's just that I'm usually really tired, warm, pissed off, or just plain damn uncomfortable.
I will then let those feelings and emotions control what goes on my face.

There's no point trying to hide what I'm feeling with a great big smile across my face. I would just be lying to myself.

I've learnt to not hide emotions like that, except if I have to. Which I do, regularly, as it's my job to, but thats not the point.

One of the most important things I've ever learnt is to not hide emotions, or desires.
Putting up a curtain in front of these things only causes you to think about them more. And like I said before, thinking is dangerous.

People who hide themselves and their feelings are usually very quiet. They don't talk much, and they struggle to really show their true personality to others.
In fact, they probably also struggle to show themselves the real them too.

So why don't we all just let it the fuck out?

Be ballsy and try it.
Say fuck it and try it.
Rebel, and try it.

Only smile if you feel like it.
If you don't then don't.

Which is why I try not to smile for every photo that people take of me, in costume or not.
Only if I feel like it.

Be honest with yourself.
Admit to every dark desire that you hold deep down, even if you know it's wrong. It's still you.
Cry to everything that upsets you, no matter how small and petty it may seem.

Sometimes I don't follow my own advice. This pisses me off.

Impulsive Thinking

Illuminati, 9/11, Zeitgiest, 2012, and countless other conspiracy theories.
All this thinking will make a man go crazy.

Heck, even thinking about thinking is pretty fucked up, and that's what this blog is about!

I like to think of myself as a smart guy. Not especially academical, and not with the most street sense, but I like to take comfort in the fact that I believe I have an extremely quick and logical brain.And I think a lot.

And now, dear readers, I am going to tell you the greatest thing I have ever learned: To not think.
Acting without thinking is the greatest way forward in life.
Acting on impulse.
Primal instinct.
Pure desire.

FACT: Above average intelligence people are way more likely to experience depression in their life.
Why? Because they think too much.
Thinking is bad for the brain.

So I implore you, right now, to go and do something that you just instinctively want to do.
Whether it's to go eat some chocolate,
or text that girl,
or even just going to sleep. Whatever you just purely want to do, fucking do it.

Impulses are there for a reason. Not to be shunned.

And let me leave you with this:

Whenever faced with a 50/50 decision, and you don't know which to choose, flip a coin.

Not because then you will have a decision made for you, but for the fact that in that split second that the coin is in the air, you will be wishing for it to land on the side you really want.

Follow The Leader

Since the dawn of society, and even to an extent humanity, people have always found a way to differentiate others. To put different people, into different classes, groups, or sections.

Male or Female.
Black or White.
Religious or Athiest.

Now on the surface of things, at a human level all people are pretty much the same.(Have you ever been with that person who you really hate because you think they're absolute dickheads, but when you get speaking to them 1 0n 1, you see that you actually have a lot in common? Yeah, that's kinda what I mean.)

So why all this need to seperate people?
Maybe it makes it easier for the brain to remember different people, or makes science experiements easier to classify.
But one of the major classes people differentiate others into, are Leaders and Followers.

And I've always wondered, which one am I?
Because if I'm a leader, then who am I leading?
And if I'm a follower, who am I following?

Now in my opinion, I think it can be pretty easy to see who are the leaders, and who are the followers in everyday life. But I can't actually observe myself.

Is a leader judged as who he is as a person? Or by who he has following him?

I've seen quite a lot of leaders around, and I believe that there are many different types (I'm saying these different types as it makes it easier to comprehend.)

I've seen leaders who can lead without anyone knowing they're really doing it. They are strong, silent and unassuming. They rule with respect.

I've seen other types of leaders who are charasmatic, loud and quite literally lead from the front. These are the people whom others look up to. They are role models.

There are also leaders who people hate, however. These leaders are the ones that observers despise, but at the end of the day, they are needed.

And then, the last type of leaders, are the ones who rule with fear. They prey on people's nice human nature to get what they want. They will use, and abuse people, and in my mind, I can't really see how they can live with themselves, and the taint on their conscience.

Any more?

The University of Disney

For all you people who are off to uni, or wherever else after college, I'm sure you've started to do your bit of "growing up," "facing reality" and pretentious "soul searching."

Well, I have anyway.
But all in all, it's a bit useless isn't it? I haven't found my soul yet, and I honestly believe that I never will.
Actually, thats a lie. I believe I've already found it.
I found it about 19 years ago.
When I was born.
For me, this whole facing reality bollocks is a bit useless. I mean, why am I only just living in reality now?What has my life up to this point been?
A friggin episode of Byker Grove?

Now, I find, that facing facts, in life, causes some pretty bad feelings to emerge. Noone likes to face facts, because they can be pretty harsh.In fact, our brains are programmed to actually block out the harsh and horrible facts in life. (Think Shutter Island)
So whats the point?
If I were to face facts, I would see that I'm kinda a loser in life.

I could write down all the things that make me a loser, but why the fuck should I do that?

Instead, I'm going to write down all the things that I trick myself into thinking.
All the traits that I like to think I'm known for.
I know deep down I'm not. But this isn't about that.

• I'm smart. Super intelligent smart. My IQ is 139, and I believe my brain kind of resembles a more realistic version of Sherlock Holmes'.
• I'm strong. Nearly 6'3'' and slightly built as well. I may not look much, but I can definitley stand up for myself in a fight with anyone. And I can throw a mean fucking punch.
  
• I'm an actor. I believe I'm the best actor that I personally know of, or have seen with my own eyes. No one has the charisma and stage presence of me.
• I'm troubled. I have had problems in the past, but I'm pretty much over them. I will never be the same again, but I don't really care. What ever that has happened, has made me who I am. I kind of see myself as an inspiration.
  

Now deep down, I know all of these are bollocks. But whenever I imagine people thinking of me, these are what I hope they all think.
They're pretentious, arrogant, and very self centred. But I'm not gonna centre myself in anyone else am I?

I would now like to do an experiment.
I'm asking any of you who have read this far, to write down in the comments what traits or qualities you would like to believe you appear as.
You can do it anonymously, so no one will know who you actually are.
Be pretentious. Be arrogant. Be self centred.

Be yourself. Not your real, "facing reality" self. Be the super hero you always like the think you are.

It's much happier.