The End.

So this is it.

45 days, and 45 blog posts later, I have finished my objective for lent.

So, was forcing myself to do something creative good?
Yeah, yeah it was.
The blogs may not have been to an amazing quality on some days, and some days they may have been short, but still every, every day I managed to come up with something new to write about.
And I didn't even try! They just sort of came.

It gave me a purpose in my thinking and my brain relished it.
I thought about hundreds of different things, and instead of just filling my head with a load of crap like usual, I actually challenged it at times.
Felt good man.

Looking back, I am very proud of what I've written.
I've surprised myself.

I recommend you to try a challenge too. It's worth it.

Now onto the next challenge. No stopping.
Technophobe week, here I come.

The Five W's

Who

I'm Conor Clarke. Internet name: Cleon Clarke.
Born in 1991. Have not much life experience to talk of.
I like to act. It's what I wanna do for a living. At the moment I work as a tutor.
Going university before the fee's raise.
I am 6'2" and weigh about 11 and a half stone.
Brown hair, brown eyes.
Fairly good at maths and science. Can speak a little German.

What

This is my blog.
It's called One Post At A Time, but it didn't start that way.
I first created a blog on Facebook, but found it unreliable.
Created this page, backdated all my Facebook blogs, apart from a few that I wasn't proud of and then put them on here.
I write about a wide range of stuff, but it's basically an amateur study into physcology, philiosophy and a whole lot of observation. I have no experience of studying either of those subjects.
I'll try to write in a comedic yet serious kinda way, but it depends on what mood I'm in.

Why

In late 2009, around November time, I was depressed.
I went to see a councillor in Leicester, and we had a few mini sessions.
He said I should begin writing about my thoughts.
So I did, and me being the attention whore that I am, I soon began posting them on the internet. I was proud of them.
My mental state now is okay, so now I'm just writing for the hell of it.
It's nice. It gives me something to do. I'm very proud of them still.

Where

In my bedroom, in Groby, Leicester. England.
I always write in my bedroom as it has a lazy yet relaxed feel to it.
I've written a few blogs in different places, but it's much harder.
My room is my creative hub, I guess.

When

Been writing since November 09.
My first blog was actually a poem called, Dead Fred.
It was about a man who got killed by zombies.
Since then, I wrote a blog on average at abotu 4 times a month, but since I left school, I had less time on my hands, and I ended up writing 2 a month.
Then I realised that I was just making up excuses about "having less time" and I wanted to do something for lent, so I've written one every day.

Balls To Be You

Me: "So who here feels vunerable?"
No one raises their hands.
"Didn't think so. Being vunerable is not seen as a strong personality trait to have. It's a very negative word, and unless someone wants to self deprecate themselves, they wouldn't use it."

Notice how I didn't think you, sat in your room, would be self deprecating? Course you wouldn't. People are invincible in their own room.

Vunerablity. The effect of feeling exposed to attack.

Attack from what?
A serial killer?
A rapist?
An idea?

Would you describe yourself as "an open book?"
You are open to ideas, friendly, creative, agreeable.

No. No you're not.
Your ideas are probably best, you're not gonna talk to any randomers without knowing a little bit about them and you are really tired and can't be fucked to do anything at the mo.
90% of the time.

We are all closed books.
Closed by the fear of someone in todays society writing shit in all our pages.

Only the bravest are vunerable.

Cheap and Cheerful

Watched this apprentice programme on CBBC couple of days back.
(I'm allowed to, I'm a tutor!)
It really pissed me off.

These kids were getting taught how to rip people off, trick them into buying stuff and pretty much just steal money from other peoples wallets.

Why the fuck is the world like this?
Why is money so precedent in making our own lives go round?

I appreciate that money makes the world go round.
But not people. We should be fueled by something better than that.
Money is corrupt from the word go, everyone knows that, and the second our lives center around it, won't our lives become corrupt?

My desire to live life and enjoy it, overpowers my desire for money. Every. Fucking. Day.
I however, am very alone in where I stand.

When I tell people I want to be an actor, I get the weirdest looks.
"You want to be an actor? Hahahah you're not going to earn any money at all!"

Fuck you.
I just have the balls to follow my dream, and haven't been brought down by the fucked up, money obsessive world we live in.

Enjoy your £30 an hour job. If you can.

I have a £6 an hour one. And I love it.

Grim

Death.
Being dead.
What happens after life?

Life is all we have, and death is a pretty major part in it. It affects us in every little thing we do. If we were never going to die, then I'd probably just sit on my arse all day, eat wotsits and wank. It'd be brilliant.
But it'd be empty, in all honesty.

Lots of different religions speak of an after life.

And they kinda need to.
The whole concept of religion is to find meaning, and give us normal folk hope in life. That's what all religions have to do. It's the point of them.
And therefore religions try extra hard to give us an after life, because death has very little hope. Fuck me it can be a scary thought.

Death is the one thing that if we were to look at ultra literally, we would come to the conclusion that there is no hope. You can't even have a "good" death, because you won't know if it's good or not. You'll be dead.
It is, the end of everything. Good or bad.

It's black. Forever.

But somehow, I'm not overly scared of death. Why is that?
I reckon I'm just dumbed down.

Baby Rebel

Anarchy is major theme in my blogs.
I admire the concept a lot.

It's a nice concept, of just not giving two shits about things, and going crazy and "giving it to the man."
It feels nice, you know.

But anarchy in excess can be bad. Which is kinda obvious really, but gimme a break! I've been writing a new blog every day for about 40 days and I'm beginning to run out of ideas!

In my current job, as a tutor, I work with kids a lot. From 4 to 14 years old.
I never thought I'd say this, but kids are brilliant, and they represent anarchy more literally than anything I could describe.

Most people love kids. They love the ignorance that they have, and the carefree attitude that they have. People can be jealous of the fact that kids have no worries in the world and that even if they did, they wouldn't give a shit.

However, as we all know, kids can get fuckin annoying. That carefree attitude can begin to grate on us and the fact that sometimes they don't listen can cause people to rage.
Their lack of independance too can be seen as a cute, admirable thing, until we get sick of being their helper.

Anarchy is the best thing when you are in a calm, relaxed, open mood. But when you're not and you're stressy, busy and pissed off, rules become important.

And if today's society is based on rules, then that must mean that today's society is a naturally stressy, busy and pissed off. Or something.

Busy Busy Busy

Busy busy busy.
I'm a busy man.
Busy busy busy.
I do ev'rything I can.
Busy busy busy.
Sometimes I don't stop.
Busy busy busy.
It makes my head go pop.

Now I could do the pretentious thing of saying "On days when you are really busy and going at 100mph, just stop for about 5 minutes. Stop and take a breather, or a cup'o'tea. Your body and mind will thank you for it."

But no.
That's wrong.
On days when you are busy and you have a thousand things to do, never stop. Stopping will cause your body to lose it's energy, and it's a pain to get it back.
When you stop, your body just wants to lie down...... all day.
Your mind is thick as fuck too, because as soon as that stops thinking, it goes Yay! Bedtime!

By all means get some food, and a drink to keep you hydrated and alive, but never just stop. Stopping is bad, because starting up again is really feckin hard.

Apocalypse

I've found the true point in life.
It's the dot above the i.

Sometimes it's hard to admit things to yourself. Things you don't wanna know.
Life is one of them.
Admitting to yourself that there is no point in life and that all it is, is a mixture of gut feelings and smiles while you go about your life and hope it's not that bad, is one that some people never admit. There's no point to really.
But life is really short, and death is eternal.

So what can we do?

Bugger all.
Hope for a heaven.
Become ignorant enough so we don't care.
Spend our lives on the edge and get the most out of it.

The phrase "Jesus is coming, look busy" rings true here.
Because I've found that the biggest challenge we face in making our lives "worthwhile" is aiming to not being bored enough to think about it.
The busier we are, the less we think about the end, and the happier and longer the present.

That's like, it. I think.

Fucked up; Insecure; Neurotic; Emotional.

Disclaimer: This is from a boy's point of view.

Anyone who has been in a relationship will have probably lived through this.

In a female-male relationship.
Going well.
Infatuated/in love with each other.
Have an misunderstanding.
Female gets quite annoyed at something.
Male tries to cheer her up.
Male: "How are you?"
Female: "I'm fine!"

NO YOUR NOT FUCKIN FINE.

Or are you?
Other halves across the world use this phrase, and a lot of men get annoyed at it.
But I've realised, that actually they are telling the truth. It's just neither us nor them know it.

If I girl was truly not "fine" with a relationship, she would say something about it. Things would break down, and you will probably see it coming from a mile off, if you don't blind yourself with love.

The fact is, that relationships cannot be healthy without a few arguments along the way.
If everyone was content with their relationship, then it'd be the most boring fucking thing ever. So if we argue, it is because we expect things to get better. Which is good!
Giving each other high standards in a relationship means you are both likely to get mroe out of it.

So, when your girl, or guy, says that they're "fine," well then you both probably are. You both just don't realise it yet. Kinda ironic, in a way.

Attack

Currently, I am really fucking panicking.
A lot.
I won't go into reasons why, but nonetheless I feeling really on edge.

I'm constantly shivering, even when its warm. It must be beacuse I'm full of energy.
Writing this isn't really helping.
I need to get out. Outside.
Not to run, because I don't want to run. Or walk, but I'll walk anyway.

But wait, am I going outside because I feel I need to get rid of some energy?
Or am I doing it to run away from my problem?

I could solve the problem, right here in my room.
I could do it right now. But I keep thinking that I'll be more likely to do it if I'm somewhere else. If I'm outside. With fresh air.

FUCK I'M PANICKING.

I'm breathing at a normal rate. That's fine. Should be no attack here. Except the breaths never feel like full ones.

But my chest and stomach are just turning and turning and turning.
I feel ill. Wanna throw up.
Fucking really hungry, but no appetite.

Don't know what to do but I know exactly what to do.
I'm just scared of doing it, so I don't do it.
What if I fail? What if I fuck up?

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I NOTICE THIS COMING?

Brain is working in overtime, but nothing useful is going in or out.
This has been going on for hours. Time really fucking drags when you feel like this. Which is a good thing, I guess.
Fuck this. I need to get out of here.

A Bad eROs-LL Model

Modern love.
I hate that fucking phrase.
All a modern love story involves is a man making a sandwich for his wife.
It's always so fucking understated.

Somehow, nowadays, a simple look can be percieved as having as much emotion as a heartwrenching cry for forgiveness by a man on his last legs.
"Oh my god, that look says it all."
Understatement is so in these days.

Where are the prince's going halfway across the world to save their princess from a bloodthirsty dragon, and then living happily ever after?
Instead we are now told that if a man and a woman aren't at each other's throats after 30 years of marriage, then it must be true love.

And this understatement is what some people are beginning to wish for.
To have a simple life. To love someone, to have some kids and to be okay financially with a job you don't hate that much.

What happened to dreams?
What happened to aiming for perfection?

Would you rather be disappointed at aiming for 100 and only reachin 50, or for aiming at 50 when you really wanted 100.

Modern love is aiming for 25 and hoping deep down that it means 250.

Space Mountain

Ronan Keating once said that life is a rollercoaster.
You remember the up's more than you remember the downs.
That obvious, because your brain is gonna have a higher activity level when you are tense and scared and looking over the edge to a huge drop, while you hear the constant click clack of the coaster ticking away.
And then when you go, you let go of all your brains feelings and just enjoy the moment.
You rarely remember that bit in as vivid a detail.

But you know it was the best moment. Why?
Because you were underwhelmed.

Because the drop wasn't as good as you expected.
Or as scary as you'd thought.
Or as brilliant as you'd hoped.

It was, instead, a good experience.
And you lose your fear of rollercoasters and such thrill things, and you go in search of the next one. With your mind safely knowing that anything as scary as that last ride can easily be conquered.

Why can't that sort of feeling transfer into everyday things? That thrill seeking?
That knowledge-overpowering-fear feeling?

Instead of remembering the lows in our lives, and using them, we try to forget them, even though that they too, were underwhelming.
You never feel as bad as you fear you do. But we always will fear we might.

I guess it's some sort of cruel human nature.

The bigger the drop, the higher you must have came from.
Sometimes people are too scared of going that high up, because they fear the drop will be too much.

The drop won't be that bad. I promise.

Mini Blog 2

There are 24 hours in a day.
Which is 1440 minutes.
Which is 86400 seconds.

I'm not expecting myself to enjoy every single one of those seconds every day.
But at least so that a few of them are memorable.

Mini Blog

Great minds talk about ideas.
Average minds talk about events.
And small minds talk about people.

And whoever talks about sex is just plain horny.

Agony Aunt

Got a problem? Talk to Frank.
Or Deirdre.
Or even Mystic fecking Meg.

If we have problems in life, we are always given loads of options that can help.
People left, right and centre are telling us where to go, and what to do.
And quite a lot of the time, what people tell us to do about our problems are right.

But you already knew that didn't you?

In all fairness, we know exactly what we have to do to make things right when we have problems. Well, 95% of the time.

But either 1. We are too afraid to admit what needs to be done.
Or 2. We're unsure, so we need an outsider to confirm our thought processes and make sure we're not acting like complete donkeys.

Fair do's.

But I find that a bit of a cop out. And I've done it.
I've had problems, but I've bottled tackling them head on, and instead I've squirmed around and found an easier way around them, by using the help from someone.
But did I grow as a person from that? Fuck no.

Next time, I'm gonna act like a fucking man.

You reckon that's the right way to go about it? And if so, how do I start?

Fabulous Fallacy

Fuck, it was sunny today.
In April.
Shit the bed.

Go out in the sun today? Felt good didn't it?
Feeling the rays of sunshine on my face always adds a sense of clarity to the days events.
Nothing can wrong. I am invincible.

But why do I feel like that in the sun?
Why can't that confidence come in the rain?

Maybe it's because, subliminally the sun reminds us of good times.
But a lot of people have bad times in their life in the summer, so that can't be it.

Maybe it's because we are brought up from childhood to think that sunshine equals happiness?
But Christmas is arguably the happiest time in a childs life, and that's not sunny, so that can't be it.

Maybe it's just because it adds options to our lives. We can go wherever we want without having to pack an umbrella or a coat?
But with cars and planes, going anywhere we want is just as easy in the winter as now.

So what could it be?
Maybe it's just because the sun is good for us?

While I ponder this, (at night lol) go outside and enjoy the sun.
We don't get it often, so make sure you don't waste it.
There'll be one day where you won't ever get to see it again.

Piggyback Effect

Everytime I get out of the shower in the morning, I look at myself in the mirror.

And I compare.

I compare how my chest looks compared to guys in perfume adverts.

I compare how bad my skin is compared to the day before.

I even compare how long my winky is to various pornstars.

It's natural. Everyone compares themselves to others.

And most of all, you compare yourself to your friends. When you look at your friends, you always try to see how you'd do against them.

And out of your friends, who would win a fight?

Who is the most attractive?

Who is the most intelligent?

And each and every time you do, even though sometimes you feel like you are miles off them, you always seem to compare. You always have one thing that they don't.

And that isn't because everyone's good at certain things. In fact, it's just because you naturally compete against your peers every day, and you naturally begin to beat them. But only just.

Which poses an interesting question.

Have we become talented and skilled at things because we have progressed on our own?

Or are we only good at things so that we can beat others?

If we hang around with people who aren't very successful at things, are we only gonna be slightly better than them?

And then if we were to start hanging around with people who are more skilled, are we likely to become naturally better so we can beat them?

The Sitcom That Is Life

Hmmmm, shall I write an optimistic blog or a depressive one today?

Time goes pretty quickly. In fact, a few seconds have even gone by as you're reading this.
How quick was that?
Life goes by too quickly people always say. Well I've had 19 years of it, and it's seemed to drag for me. But if what older and wiser people say is true, then maybe it's time to start making some more memories.

All we really have is our memories. Everything else, like our clothes, iPod's, all creature comforts will probably have been replaced in 10 years. But our memories will still remain. Unless we get alzheimers. Then we're fucked.

But in all fairness, that is all we have in life. Memories.

So why do we try so hard for our creature comforts?
Why do we have to work for money, to buy physical things that degrade straight away?
Why don't we spend all our hard earned money on experiences? Things that will never degrade, because all they are, are memories.
Little pockets of TV stored up in the iPlayer that is our brain.
But these memories aren't just normal TV programmes.
These are Soaps filled with more emotion and sentiment than any TV programme can even try to recreate.

Academic Joy

I do miss going to school sometimes.
Not exactly for the whole learning experience, but more for the social.
People don't really enjoy the learning bit.
It's interesting, yeah. But not enjoyable.

From day 1 we are being taught things. It happens everyday.
You learn a new thing every day, as my grandma once said.

People always want to get qualifications, too.
GCSE's, A-Levels, Degree's.
All people want to be is smart, so that they can have a happy life.

But whoever said that wisdom = happiness?
And where's the degree in how to be happy?

"Why hello there sir. I have a PHD in being happy, and I'm a dumb as a duck."

Quack.

Once Upon A Cynical Time

Boy lives in a huge Kingdom.
Boy is in love with Princess of Kingdom.
Princess doesn't notice Boy.
Princess gets kidnapped by Vicious Bad Guys.
Boy chases after Vicious Bad Guys.
Boy goes on journey through a Magical Land.
Boy fights Horrible Creatures in Magical Land.
Boy fight Vicious Bad Guys.
Boy saves Princess.
Princess and Boy fall in love and get married.
Princess realises Boy is a bit of a psycho after risking his life to save someone he doesn't know.
Boy was just trying to follow his Knight in Shining Armour dream.
Boy becomes friend-zoned.
Princess files for divorce and goes and fucks Vicious Bad Guy because he is hot.
The End.

Dante's World

Some people say that life is actually hell.
That living on this earth is one of the 9 circles of hell or some shit.

I see a lot of truth in that, because in all fairness, it can take quite a lot of effort to be happy in this world. Doing nothing just leads to depression.

You need to be active and outgoing to truly get the most out of your day.
You need to strech out of your comfort zone to apprieciate life.

In fact, from the beginning of life, we are taught disappointment.
If you are not as asthetically perfect as people you see in the media, you are ugly.
If you are not as academically successful as your schoolmates, you are dumb.
If you are not sporty and active, you are fat.
Life is one vicious circle, and in all fairness, it's man made.

Others make us seem like this, because of natural human instincts.
Whenever we follow our instincts, we are put down, like eating so much to keep healthy means we are pigs.
Whenever we decide to follow social norms we are put down by people acting out their instincts, like jealousy and envy.

In fact if this is hell, then human beings must be the devil.

Teenage Dirtbag

People always want to be a loser.
Cuz it's cool, fun or cute.
No one ever says the winner is cool, fun or cute.

Hey look at me, I'm such a loser, but that just means everyone loves me

.................In their head they love you, not in their heart.

Loser's represent a hope and challenge in life that people desire, hence why they try to become them a lot of the time. And because it's easier than becoming a winner.

To be a winner, people know that they have to work hard, and actually try.
And tryings not fun is it?!

No, lets all be emo loser's because all that involves is lounging around looking after my haircut and then moaning about the fact that I'm such a loser, but then that I don't care because it means I get attention and therefore it's cool.

Rant over.

Being a loser is cool. But being atleast properly trying to be a winner, has a sense of honourablilty and pure unaldulterated passion about it that really gets under my skin.
I'm not gonna cheer for the underdog anymore, unless they really really want to be the best.