Chicken Nugget (Monologue)

I’d like to tell you a story if I may.
A week last Monday, I was in town, on my way to an audition actually. If you hadn’t already guessed I’m an actor, as is pretty obvious as I am on a stage talking to all of you…….
I was walking towards the audition and there was McDonalds on the floor. There was a empty box which had previously held a McChicken sandwich; there was the brown bag that you get when you’d like to take your newly purchased meal out of the eating establishment with you; and there was a chicken nugget. Bang splat, in the middle of the pavement, a chicken nugget. Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t freaking eat it, did I!
I know im blabbering on, but please, hold on in there, I am getting somewhere…. I think.
After the audition, it went really well actually, but I didn’t get the part, I was walking back, taking the same route as I had previously taken, and to, to my horror…I guess…. As I retraced my steps towards the aforementioned uneaten meal, I noticed that there was no chicken nugget.
It had gone.
Still there, strewn across the path I was about to take, was the vacant box and tanned paper bag, but no chicken nugget.
Now that got me thinking about life.
Now if a litter picker were to pick up this chicken nugget, he would surely pick up the box and bag too, right? I mean, if he wanted to, he could even have put the nugget, inside of the box, which then would have been a perfect fit to fit inside of the bag, which would make his job a hell of a lot easier really, wouldn’t it? It would kind of be how Mr Ronald intended it in the first place really, food inside box inside bag. You could even sell it as a meal if you want to, to a tramp or somebody…… (Clicks fingers)…a tramp.
A poor guy with barely a penny to his name must have stumbled across the nugget and ate it. From what I saw the nugget was in pretty good condition, I mean, it was all in one piece like, and had no real dirt of any kind on it. If I was a vagrant anyway, I would have eaten it.
But seriously, how horrific does your life have to be, to pick up and eat a mouldy, cold chicken nugget that had been on the floor. Pretty shite is the answer.
I said before that I wanted to be an actor… well actors are out of work 98% of the time. They’re skint, pretty much permanently. In a few years time, fuck, that could even be me. Depressing eh?
This got me to start to think more deeply into the situation however, and I thought, wait a minute! Who’s the beneficiary from this state of affairs? The fucking tramp! He’s been trundling the street, starving, perfecting his depressed voice with the line, “any change please?” all day, and then, lo and behold he finds the Holy Grail, a freaking nugget! He’s the happy one here! And who’s the person who is most distressed by this outcome? The person who dropped the nugget!
I mean, they are quite expensive for what you get, you know what I mean? He or she must have been well pissed of.
That’s when I started to see life in a different light. It’s what you make it, you know? That tramps life is obviously shite. And the person who purchased the McDonalds obviously better, but when faced with a crap situation; suddenly the tramp is having a better time.
Life is what you feel, how you want to see the world and its surroundings as good or bad. If life’s shit, then you’re looking at it the wrong way.

This is when I had one of those, freaky Eureka moments where it all becomes clear, and everything seems to make sense, when a pigeon flew by with a great big chicken nugget in its mouth.

Life isn’t what you make it, in fact it just depends on how fucking insane you get.

What is get?

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hmmmmm, I dunno how to start this.

Just been to see Valentines Day, the film.
Its nothing special, I wouldn't go to see it unless it's like a date movie or summat tbf.
But it got me thinking about love. And Valentines Day. Relationships in general really.

Valentines Day is a lovely day isn't it? It's a time where people can just express their love, and it's all okay! You're supposed to!
But of course there's the problem of having noone on V Day.
That's pretty shitty isn't it?
The one day where everyone wants be loved, but no-one wants to love you.
Major rejection.

No one wants to feel rejected.

And it's not as if people really want this super al encompassing love and marriage is it? They just want to be loved, for the day.

There's nothing wrong with that of course. In fact it's kinda nice to suspend reality for a few hours, even though you know that nothing will ever happen in the future.
Suspending Reality
What a fucking good idea that is.

Stopping everything, and just losing yourself in something.
Losing yourself in an emotion.
Losing yourself in a moment.
Losing yourself with someone.

And that, my friends. Is love.
That emotion, that moment, that person. It's love.
Saying that one big FUCK IT, to reality. It may only be short, or it may last a long time, but it most certainly is love.

(And yeah, I knew you would read this.)

Fucccckkkkk, that film must have gotten to me.
Im such a gay.

E=MC Vagina

I once heard that when you take cocaine for the first time, then it attacks your nervous system or something.
It causes a massive high, and your happiness level goes through the roof! But then the comedown is pretty hard to take, and it causes serious damage to your psyche.
Your comedown takes your "happiness level" down a notch, and you're unable to be as happy as you were before taking the drugs.
The only other way to be as happy again is to take more drugs.

Is this true?

And if it is, is this theory exclusive to drugs?
Or is it just how life works in general?

If you replace cocaine with pain in that paragraph, it still makes the same amount of sense as before.
As soon as the initial pain is over, you feel a sense of, well I'm not really sure. Relief? Excitement? Hope?

But that feeling, whatever it is, does not erase the pain. The pain will always still be there. It's just human nature to try and feel other things to replace it or forget it.
And I'm fine with that.
I'm just really emo, and I'm into this sort of shit.

Emotion, and pain in general, really interest me. I know, I should have done Psychology at A-level, but I prefer to do my own research. ;)

LOL! I just read this back, and it's blindingly simple. This is just how life works, and I've known this for years, I guess. It's just that sometimes you get a different perspective on something, and it seems like it's brand new.

Now I think about it, everything in life is exactly the same. It's just from a different perspective.

We don’t make mistakes, we have happy little accidents

"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.” - Muhammad Ali

Does anybody else ever get the feeling that they're really, really not a nice person?
Does anybody else ever take a look at their morals and attitudes and say, "Shit, maybe I'm wrong"?
Does anybody else ever have those feelings of clarity where you see yourself for how others see you, and dont like the person you've become?

Dont worry, this isn't another, "mwah mwah, look at me, aint I fucked up? Mwah mwah" blog.

I kinda believe I saw myself for who I truly am. And I'm a dick.

I'm not the person that I thought I was, because my ego got in the way too much. I'm an immensely confident person at times, (and thats because I have to be, I'm an actor) and it has taken a very long time to knock that ego down enough, for me to realise that, I fail.

But fail is awesome.

Fail means there's work to be done.
Fail means you can build on what you have.
Fail doesn't mean go in another direction, it means push further in the direction you're already going.
Is it any coincidence that Fail, and Future, both begin with F? I think not.


So technically, this means that now I've realised where I go wrong, from now on I will always be right.
Fuck me, I'm amazing.
I love you Conor.

Word to your Mother

First day of Half Term. And I'm bored and have nothing to do.
Fail.

I'm skint.
I'm bored of my Xbox.
I've finished watching season 7 of 24.
There's nothing in my cupboards so I cant try cooking anything.

Now in this situation, I'm sure most men would just say fuck it, and break out the tissues.
But then I had a brainwave!
Why dont I play with something that I haven't used in a while?

No, not my penis. My PSP!

I got my PSP for my 14th birthday. Over 4 years ago!
And to be brutally honest at the time it was the coolest thing EVAR!
Slick black screen, small enough to fit in your pocket, and with the graphics as good as any ps2 game. It was the portable dogs bollocks of video gaming.
In fact, it was so good, that I've decided to give it a post 4 year (Its actually over 5 years old though) review!

I know! How utterley sad is that!?
But like I said before, NOTHING better to do.

Review Time

So, first of all, how has it aged?
Well, as far as I can tell, brilliantly!
Its still looks effing beautiful, and the screen quality still amazes me.
The analogue stick still feels a little weird, but kinda fun to play with, so I'll let it off.

Games wise, I dont have any new ones at all. The newest I have is Crisis Core, a Final Fantasy 7 prequel.

This game however, is unbefuckinglievably good.
It's not just one of the best games I've ever played on the PSP, but one of the best I've ever played. Full stop. Period. Fo Sho.
However, this is not a review of that, so I'm stopping.

The PSP is good and I like it because it is nice, which is very good because it is very old.

Okay!! Im shit at this reviewing business. I give up.

I can't really review anything like this anyway, because you really need to use it again to enjoy it.

Everything I've just said boils down to this:
The PSP is still the shit.

I urge all of you out there with a PSP locked away somewhere in a drawer; GET IT BACK OUT!
The PSP is gonna make a comeback boiiiii!

The PSP revolution starts here! Okay maybe not but it's a nice thought.

What do you think?

Brad Pitt's Real Name Is William

START
If this is the good life, I aint looking to live it.

How have I gotten myself into a hole this deep?
I dont fucking want this. I cant handle this.

Lifes a fucked up circle where hate becomes a desire for love, which in turn leads to frustration, which causes more hate.
I never wanted the hate in the first place.

I seem to have spent my whole life managing not to make mistakes. I had never made one. Not up until D-day.
Maybe thats why I was so fucking stupid.
HOW CAN YOU LEARN FROM MISTAKES IF YOU'VE NEVER MADE ANY?

I wish I'd have fucking known that there was no way back.

You were the biggest mistake. And I am the unforgivable.

Has anyone ever been in a position where they are unforgivable?
I would like to know what they did.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I've tried. And I'm tired of failing.
STOP

Ive realised what blogs are for now. They work in the same way as a photograph. You take a picture and then you've captured a memory.
The same for a blog. Cept you dont capture a memory, you capture a mood, or an emotion.

Can you guess what emotion that was up there?
It was depression.
It comes in waves now, and I was lucky enough to capture it while it was still there.

I'm happy now though, because it only comes in waves and usually ends after a little bit.
And that didn't happen by magic.

Thankyou.



I'm hungry........

The person who voiced Bugs Bunny was allergic to carrots.

Bit of a change to the usual depressing Cleon Clarke blog, because this time Im just gonna list song lyrics that 1. Make me wee a little, and 2. Are just plain genius.
Just something different for all those readers out there. (A massive 0 people read the last 3 blogs :))

1. Riverside - Sidney Samson

For some reason the original version of this song wasn't good enough for the charts, so theyve re-done it, with a pointless rap in the middle :/

"Me plus you, that equals better equations
We must do, subtraction of your clothes"

I swear down this is just a really really old chat up line.
Makes me laugh though, cuz it makes me cringe.

"Nuff bout me, what's up wit you
1 plus 1, it equal two"

WTF?! Rule number one when talking to a girl: If everything is going well, start quoting mathematic equations. Trust me they fucking love it!

2. Gay Bar - Electric Six

Now every lyric in this song is fucking briliiant, but one just stands out as pure genius.

"I've got something to put in you"

And then repeat about 4 or 5 times.
I dont need to describe why this is funny tbf.

3. I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs

I must have listened to this song a thousand times before I realised what it said.

"Girls run around with no clothes on
To borrow a pound for a condom"

I know its about a riot, but I still dont truly understand why they say this. But tbf, its only funny, cuz I never realised they said this!

4. B.O.B - Outkast

Love this song, and if youve ever wondered what B.O.B stood for, now you know.

"Bombs Over Baghdad"

Awesome, cuz theyre getting kids to sing this!

5. She Has A Girlfriend Now - Reel Big Fish

Now I'm sure there are hundreds of brilliant Reel Big Fish lyrics out there, but this one stands out for me :)

"I never thought it would end like this,
Just because I've got no tits.
I'll shave my legs,
I'll wear a bra,
I'll even cut my penis off for you!"

You see this is funny, because I know some people that would probably do this, if theyre girlfriends turned lesbian!
And as Ben Coltman would say "Get your Hatchett out!"
;)