I... um..... I.....

Ever struggled for words?

Not knowing what to say, whether it be in an argument or when writing a Christmas card is annoying. You can sit there for hours, and end up writing 3 words.

Fuck this shit.

I should know, my personal statement has taken me fucking years.

But I've realised now, that whenever you're truly angry, or truly sorry, you never struggle for words.

When you're there, crying your eyes out over somebody, you never, ever run out of things to say.

Your brain just knows exactly what to say.

It always knows what to say, and thats the truth.

Whenever you are passionate about something, and its truly affected you, you can talk forever about it. And thats because in your heart, it's true.

Subconsciously, your brain always has an opinion on something. It always has something to say.

And if you are ever struggling for something to say, then it's probably because what you want to say, isn't the truth.

People lie for all sorts of reasons. And not just to others, but also to themselves.

So if you've ever wondered how you truly feel, or if you're just lying to yourself, you should talk about it.

Because if it's true, you will be able to talk forever.

Fonder Absence The Heart Makes Grow.

Continuing the nostalgia trend, take a quick look back at past times.
Have a jog through your memory.
And think about all the times you hated.

Yup, think about all those times you did something you regretted, or think about previous failures, or even think about long lost loves.

Done?
Now I'm betting that when you look back at those times, you're not feeling bad about it all. In fact, I'm betting you're sat there maybe even smiling right now.

Because even though at that moment in time, those events that happened made you think it was the end of the world, now, they just seem quite funny.

And do you know why that is?
It's because you were having fun.
....By living

It may not have seemed like it at the time, but for every second you experience a terrible, and strong emotion, you are having so much fun!

Because you lived through it. And well fucking done you.

So next time you leave the house, do something absolutely crazy that you know you're gonna regret.

Because to live through it, is awesome.

WARNING: NOSTALGIA CAN BE DANGEROUS.

A lot of people have said to me, that I need to make my blog a bit more personal.
Because otherwise it's not really a blog.

So I've done this.
It's the last 3 and a half years of my life. In picture form. With accompanying music tracks, that have had an effect on me at that certain time in my life.
And it's fucking long.
52 songs. 425 pictures.


It's not perfect, but that's because it's not done as a film. It's done as a memory. One big long, imperfect, messed up, choppy memory.
I've also missed bits out. (I dont seem to have one picture of when Markus came over!!)

The music quality is also a bit dodgy at times too. And I gave up on fitting the tracks together very early on.

However, it is personal.

WARNING: NOSTALGIA CAN BE DANGEROUS.

Let it out.

I was told in my training week here at Disney, that when you pose for a picture inside one of your costumes, you will still smile, even though no one can see it. As if it is actually you who is being photographed, and not the big plastic face that has been slapped on your head.

But I don't.

I pull some of the most disgusting faces ever. I mean, I'm not doing it for fun, it's just that I'm usually really tired, warm, pissed off, or just plain damn uncomfortable.
I will then let those feelings and emotions control what goes on my face.

There's no point trying to hide what I'm feeling with a great big smile across my face. I would just be lying to myself.

I've learnt to not hide emotions like that, except if I have to. Which I do, regularly, as it's my job to, but thats not the point.

One of the most important things I've ever learnt is to not hide emotions, or desires.
Putting up a curtain in front of these things only causes you to think about them more. And like I said before, thinking is dangerous.

People who hide themselves and their feelings are usually very quiet. They don't talk much, and they struggle to really show their true personality to others.
In fact, they probably also struggle to show themselves the real them too.

So why don't we all just let it the fuck out?

Be ballsy and try it.
Say fuck it and try it.
Rebel, and try it.

Only smile if you feel like it.
If you don't then don't.

Which is why I try not to smile for every photo that people take of me, in costume or not.
Only if I feel like it.

Be honest with yourself.
Admit to every dark desire that you hold deep down, even if you know it's wrong. It's still you.
Cry to everything that upsets you, no matter how small and petty it may seem.

Sometimes I don't follow my own advice. This pisses me off.

Impulsive Thinking

Illuminati, 9/11, Zeitgiest, 2012, and countless other conspiracy theories.
All this thinking will make a man go crazy.

Heck, even thinking about thinking is pretty fucked up, and that's what this blog is about!

I like to think of myself as a smart guy. Not especially academical, and not with the most street sense, but I like to take comfort in the fact that I believe I have an extremely quick and logical brain.And I think a lot.

And now, dear readers, I am going to tell you the greatest thing I have ever learned: To not think.
Acting without thinking is the greatest way forward in life.
Acting on impulse.
Primal instinct.
Pure desire.

FACT: Above average intelligence people are way more likely to experience depression in their life.
Why? Because they think too much.
Thinking is bad for the brain.

So I implore you, right now, to go and do something that you just instinctively want to do.
Whether it's to go eat some chocolate,
or text that girl,
or even just going to sleep. Whatever you just purely want to do, fucking do it.

Impulses are there for a reason. Not to be shunned.

And let me leave you with this:

Whenever faced with a 50/50 decision, and you don't know which to choose, flip a coin.

Not because then you will have a decision made for you, but for the fact that in that split second that the coin is in the air, you will be wishing for it to land on the side you really want.

Follow The Leader

Since the dawn of society, and even to an extent humanity, people have always found a way to differentiate others. To put different people, into different classes, groups, or sections.

Male or Female.
Black or White.
Religious or Athiest.

Now on the surface of things, at a human level all people are pretty much the same.(Have you ever been with that person who you really hate because you think they're absolute dickheads, but when you get speaking to them 1 0n 1, you see that you actually have a lot in common? Yeah, that's kinda what I mean.)

So why all this need to seperate people?
Maybe it makes it easier for the brain to remember different people, or makes science experiements easier to classify.
But one of the major classes people differentiate others into, are Leaders and Followers.

And I've always wondered, which one am I?
Because if I'm a leader, then who am I leading?
And if I'm a follower, who am I following?

Now in my opinion, I think it can be pretty easy to see who are the leaders, and who are the followers in everyday life. But I can't actually observe myself.

Is a leader judged as who he is as a person? Or by who he has following him?

I've seen quite a lot of leaders around, and I believe that there are many different types (I'm saying these different types as it makes it easier to comprehend.)

I've seen leaders who can lead without anyone knowing they're really doing it. They are strong, silent and unassuming. They rule with respect.

I've seen other types of leaders who are charasmatic, loud and quite literally lead from the front. These are the people whom others look up to. They are role models.

There are also leaders who people hate, however. These leaders are the ones that observers despise, but at the end of the day, they are needed.

And then, the last type of leaders, are the ones who rule with fear. They prey on people's nice human nature to get what they want. They will use, and abuse people, and in my mind, I can't really see how they can live with themselves, and the taint on their conscience.

Any more?

The University of Disney

For all you people who are off to uni, or wherever else after college, I'm sure you've started to do your bit of "growing up," "facing reality" and pretentious "soul searching."

Well, I have anyway.
But all in all, it's a bit useless isn't it? I haven't found my soul yet, and I honestly believe that I never will.
Actually, thats a lie. I believe I've already found it.
I found it about 19 years ago.
When I was born.
For me, this whole facing reality bollocks is a bit useless. I mean, why am I only just living in reality now?What has my life up to this point been?
A friggin episode of Byker Grove?

Now, I find, that facing facts, in life, causes some pretty bad feelings to emerge. Noone likes to face facts, because they can be pretty harsh.In fact, our brains are programmed to actually block out the harsh and horrible facts in life. (Think Shutter Island)
So whats the point?
If I were to face facts, I would see that I'm kinda a loser in life.

I could write down all the things that make me a loser, but why the fuck should I do that?

Instead, I'm going to write down all the things that I trick myself into thinking.
All the traits that I like to think I'm known for.
I know deep down I'm not. But this isn't about that.

• I'm smart. Super intelligent smart. My IQ is 139, and I believe my brain kind of resembles a more realistic version of Sherlock Holmes'.
• I'm strong. Nearly 6'3'' and slightly built as well. I may not look much, but I can definitley stand up for myself in a fight with anyone. And I can throw a mean fucking punch.
  
• I'm an actor. I believe I'm the best actor that I personally know of, or have seen with my own eyes. No one has the charisma and stage presence of me.
• I'm troubled. I have had problems in the past, but I'm pretty much over them. I will never be the same again, but I don't really care. What ever that has happened, has made me who I am. I kind of see myself as an inspiration.
  

Now deep down, I know all of these are bollocks. But whenever I imagine people thinking of me, these are what I hope they all think.
They're pretentious, arrogant, and very self centred. But I'm not gonna centre myself in anyone else am I?

I would now like to do an experiment.
I'm asking any of you who have read this far, to write down in the comments what traits or qualities you would like to believe you appear as.
You can do it anonymously, so no one will know who you actually are.
Be pretentious. Be arrogant. Be self centred.

Be yourself. Not your real, "facing reality" self. Be the super hero you always like the think you are.

It's much happier.

Requested Copy Pasta

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE DER FUHRER
WRITE MEIN KAMPF, TELL GERMANY IM GONNA MAKE RACE PURER
BEFORE I LEAVE FUCK MY NEICE, WITH EVA BRAUN TOO
FOR WHEN I LEAVE FOR MEIN REICH, IM GONNA KILL SOME JEWS

IM TALKIN
TAKIN OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES, CLOTHES
GASSIN THEM 'TIL THEY CHOKE, CHOKE

THROWING 'EM IN SOME STOVES, STOVES

GOOSE STEPPING
RIGHT INTO ALL YOUR CITIES
SPREADING THE NAZI PARTIES
TRYING TO TAKE OVER YOU COUNTTRRRYYYY

DONT STOP, MAKE EM DROP
NAZI'S BLOW YOUR CITIES UP
TONIGHT, THEY GONNA FIGHT
'TIL YOU GIVE INTO THE REICH

Shed A Tear

I never used to cry.

As a guy, it always seemed a sign of weakness. Strong men are never known for their ability to cry. I mean, you never see Arnold Schwarzenegger cry in any of his movies do you? And he's the strongest man ever! (Apart from Chuck Norris)

But then about a year back, I shed my first tears, in what must have been a decade. And it kinda started a flood of them. Since then I've cried a number of times. It's not regular, just whenever it happens, it happens.

Now because I write this blog, and I always need new stuff to write about, I delve into my own idividual psyche and emotions a lot more than I should, and I study myself and my own actions. This new crying epidemic in particular.
And I've noticed that I feel no less a man for crying more.

And I realised, that while all this time I've seen crying as a sign of weakness, and immaturity, it is actually something completely different.

Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive.

We cry not to prolong our sadness, but to purify our minds, and our souls.

"The Gospel According To Conor Clarke"

• Say fuck it.
• Waste your life on a dream. It's the only way you can get something out of it.
• Say sorry, but never mean it.
• Go hard, or go home. Things can always be cleaned up afterwards.
• Thou shalt never copy/quote good songs. Only bad ones.
• Never plan. The greatest plans are made up on the spot.
• Trust yourself, or no one else will.
• Love yourself, or no one else will.
• Regret every bad thing you've done. It builds character.
• Be a hypocrite. It's the only way to understand life.
• Fear is a waste of energy.
• If you want to slob around, at least make it look like you're doing something important.
• Be eccentric. It's the only way to unlock the real you.
• Get naked. It's fun.
• If in doubt, sleep.
• Only care about people that are within a 30 minutes drive from you. Otherwise there's no point.
• Be a pretentious areshole. And then admit it afterwards.
• Be really nice to the people that hate you. It fucks them up.
• Breathe fire.
• The best anti-depressant drug on the market is fresh air. Use it.
• Be louder than the person sat next to you.
• Don't say "I don't care" if you do care. Say "I do care" instead.
• Don't bother looking at other people's point of view. You're most likely to be right.
• Don't be me.

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one, that when they hear kids talking about pokemon, has to suddenly resist the urge to give them advice?

Or that whenever I remember something really stupid I did, I will shout a very long and exaggerated "Fuck" out loud?

Or that at parties, I will start to dance, but then after about 10 seconds stop, as I feel kinda weird?

Or that when I hear laughter around me, I instantly assume that it's aimed at me?

Or that I practise, out loud, asking what I'm going to order, before I get to the bar?

Or that after deciding to make a phone call, I must spend 10 minutes psyching myself up?

Or that when I'm out and about, and I see a hot girl, I will look at her, but then as soon as she looks back, I look away quickly?

Or that whenever I text a girl, and she doesn't text back, I instantly think, "What did I do wrong?"

Or that whenever I tell a joke to friends, I must then explain the joke to friends?

Or that if my mp3 player dies when I'm out, I will still leave the headphones in, so that no one talks to me?

Or that whenever I try to say something really clever, I am ruthlessly interuppted?

Or that whenever there is a guy standing next to me at the urinal, I suddenly can't piss?

Or that whenever I'm sat at home, watching a normal film on my own, my parents will walk in on the 1 sex scene in that film?

Or that I used to simulate conversations with people in my head, but then never actually talk to them?

Or that whenever I see a hot girl at the bus stop, I will keep my distance, stare at the ground, and just look at anything in the opposite direction?

Or that whenever I lose my phone for ages, I'll find it again, and there will still be no text messages or missed calls?

Or that whenever I see something funny, I'll say LOL instead of laughing?

Or that I sit really quietly during haircuts, despite the fact that the hairdresser keeps trying to strike up a conversation?

Or that.......

Question of the Day Number 7 of 7

Give a shit?

Question of the Day Number 6 of 7

In response the the first Question; Is there any point in finding out the difference between loving somebody, and being in love with somebody?

Because to fall in love, means to attach yourself to somebody. Attachment causes pain. In fact in my mind, attachment is the cause of all pain.

Is falling in love worth attachment?

Question of the Day Number 5 of 7

In everyones own little mind, they are perfect. They are the blueprint, for how a human being should be created. That is a given.

But when you start to question your own actions, and your own personality, and character, is that when you become a better person? Or a worse one?

A better one for knowing your own faults, and begin able to rectify them?

Or a worse one for losing your own sense of happy, carefree ignorance about yourself?

Question of the Day Number 4 of 7

Is there any point in trying to be a nice person?
I mean, admittedly, no-one is a saint, everyone has done, and will do, bad and dishonourable things, so no-one can fully be a nice person. But sometimes I think, what's the point in trying?

Whenever a nice person, and a horrible person meet, the nice person will always come off worse. Always be stood upon in a horrible way.

Politeness can get you some places, but too much and you'll just look like a fucking loser. Or am I just being an idiot?

Question of the Day Number 3 of 7

When eating, do you savour your food, take it slowly, having one bite at a time, and cherishing the seperate flavours; or do you just think fuck it, slap it all on your fork at munch down as many different things as possible?

Same applies to life.

Question of the Day Number 2 of 7

Would you rather want to grow up to be a good, or a great person?

If you believe you already are a good person, would you want to sacrifice it to become great?

Is it possible to be truely good, and truely great at the same time?

Question of the Day Number 1 of 7

How can there be such a big difference between loving someone, and begin in love with someone.

Maybe that one is just an ability, a verb, while the other is the much sought after feeling that people crave.

I know there is a difference. I can feel it.
But what is it?

Unfinished First Draft

I wrote this about 4 months ago when I was feeling especially artistic. It's a first draft of a little conversation that I just kinda made up in my head. The setting is a counselling session between P (patient) and C (counsellor) I would apprieciate any contructive criticism, and advice on how to improve it, and maybe even continue the story if people like it.
Like I said, its not finished, but here goes......


C: (writing) 23rd March, session number..... Number...... I’m so sorry; I’ve forgotten which number today is. You don’t know do you?

P: Are you fucking serious?
Wow, you really do know how to make a patient feel at home, don’t you? You must have passed through counselling school with flying colours.
C: .....Session number 4. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t say the word “patient.” There’s no such thing as patients here, okay? Were just mates, you know, having a conversation.
P: Yeah. Best buds. The fucking dynamic duo.
C: Are you trying to make me laugh?
P: Yeah.
C: Then why is that? Why do you want to make me laugh?
P: ‘Because you’re a dick!
C: (giggle) You like to rebel a lot don’t you?
P: Anarchy is the only reason I’m still alive. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.
C: Well that’s an improvement. On Tuesday you said you had no reason to live. What’s happened to cause you to change...
P: Ask me what I did last night.
C: What did you do last night?
P: I stopped myself from killing myself.
Well.... not a first.
First I did what every self respecting man, who gave a shit about himself in my situation would have done. I stocked up on Pot Noodles, and Tesco Value curries, all the cheap arse microavable food I could manage, and then went for a swim in Rutland Water. It was fucking freezing, but I figured, hey, the cramp will kick in soon, and then I won’t give two shits about whether it’s cold or not.
Have you ever tried holding your breath underwater in the bath?
Have you ever tried to do it for as long as possible?
The first 20-30 seconds are easy. But then you get to the burn. Your body starts to panic, and you begin to crave oxygen. The fear that goes through your mind is second to none. There’s nothing else you can think about. All you can concentrate on is how you’re not getting any oxygen.
The fear is pure. And it’s fucking brilliant. You don’t feel anything else. You can’t feel anything else.
And then that fear quickly turns into calm. After that initial burn, your body starts to accept what’s happening, and instead of fighting it, it goes with the flow.
I felt calm.
So fucking calm.
And for once in my life, I was able to think straight.

C: ...... and? What happened? What did you think about?
P: What the fuck do you think?

Letter to my future self.

Dear 28 year old Conor.

Hows it going? Having fun?
I'm just writing to give you a bit of a nostalgia trip, and to just remind you of a few things I wouldn't want you to forget.

Remember how crazy life was when you were 18?
Unsure about exactly what you were going to do with your life, and where you're going to go. Unsure about how it was gonna work, when you knew you were gonna struggle to make a living if you followed your dream.

I hope you did follow your dream anyway.
I hope you made it.

I also hope you stayed honest, and kept your honour, and integrity.
And if you didn't, well I know you at least tried.

It's hard back here, in the past. Things are scary, and new, and weird.
But I'm sure its all worth it in the end.

Write back if you can, I'm sure you've got some great stories to tell!

Ill see you in 10 years. I'll make sure to buy you a beer!

Yours sincerly, Conor Clarke (18)

W.ednesday T.hursday F.riday.

It's a common known fact, that the best parties, and events, are always the ones that are organised really late in advance. The kinda ones where someone just gets bored one evening, so invites 6 or 7 people round to his house, and they all drink until they fall over, and metaphorically die.
Weve all been there.

And then you start to realise, that the best things in life follow the exact same premise.
The best friendships are the ones that start spontaneously.
The best experiences are the ones that you stumble across.
The best things in life are the things that aren't planned.

Now this is probably because there are no expectations, and you don't expect much to happen, so when it does, its amazing.

Or maybe, (excuse the crazy religious/karma/idiotic-non-literal-or-logical-thinking here,) but maybe it's life rewarding you for doing something crazy.
And spontaneous.
And different.
And out of the blue.

Right now I have people shouting at me from all angles, to plan my life out.
To sort out what I'm going to do in the future, and sort out what I'm gonna do with my life.

And you know what is also a common known fact: failing to plan, is planning to fail.

So which common known fact is right? The one that a lot of much older and wiser people have told me? Or the one I have learnt from experience?
Do I trust myself? Or do I trust others?

OimTheMayorrrr

Felt ill today. Really fuckin ill.

Wasn't sure how... which might sound weird, but I just had no energy.
Therefore the illness kinda killed all of my motivation to do anything.

And why did I feel ill? Well, it was probably because I wasn't doing anything. Which is kinda ironic.

But I feel better now.
All because of one little task which took all my stress and illness away.

Brushing my teeth.

Brushing your teeth is quite possibly the most relaxing thing a person can do in their day. But for some reason it's overlooked and forgotten about as a stress relieving method.
Everytime I brush my teeth now, I kinda soak in it.
I take my time, I make sure I conciously notice every moment of it.

Next time you brush your teeth, take your time.
Feel the bristles brushing against your teeth and your mouth.
Taste the mint in the toothpaste.
Feel the bubbles washing around your mouth.

You'll know what I mean when you do it.

A great Japanese man once called it:
The Expedition Over The Great White Mountains.

But they're slightly yellow in my case.

I chose character.

I once said that I believe I went through certain times and events in my life, which I believed served me no purpose whatsoever.
All these times and events did, was served to make me scared of things in life.
"Make me anxious about things, which I would have previously just ignorantly rushed into"

I've gotten to the stage now, where I think I've found a reason for those things.

The reason is fear.

Fear is a beautiful, amazing thing.
I will go out on a limb, and say that fear is the greatest thing in your life.
Your brain, your psyche, it all runs off fear.

This is because, the single best feeling in a persons life, is overcoming fear.
When someone conquers fear, it builds their confidence, their character, and builds them into a stronger person.

These events that had happened to me have just given me an oppourtunity to have more fears to conquer.
And as such, more character to build.

Its the new style.

I couldn't have gotten to where I am now, to who I am now, without going through certain moments.
Win or fail. It's always character building.
Fail is more character building. Win is more confidence building.

Can't have confidence without character.

What would you prefer? Character, or confidence?

Galadriel. I win.

I've written before that everything that ever happens, is purely a matter of perspective.
Whatever you view, is real for you. And real in general.
Because lets be honest, if it's real for you, then that's all that matters.
This is your world, and it's never going to be somebody else's.

Problems in life, can really easily come from trying to view another persons perspective.
Trying to figure out what other people want, (don't get me started on women,) is a fricken recipe for absolute disaster. It causes despair. The kind of despair, that happens when you know you'll never be able to do something, but you still try to.
No one will ever be able to figure out another person fully.
I would know.

Except Derren Brown. He's good at that stuff.

It's impossible to feel how someone is really feeling. And even if you get close, it causes a load of shit and pain. And that's aslong as the process of doing it doesn't kill you first.
I'm not talking about empathy however. That's something completely different.
Thats just putting yourself in another persons shoes, and hoping to feel something.


The amount of pain that everyone goes through in this life, is about all that they can take.
So trying to feel that pain, is like asking your mind and psyche to hurt itself, purely because your conscience feels like it's what should happen.


However, I like to think of myself as an actor.
I mean, sometimes I like to think I can actually class myself as an actor. Other days I can't even mention the word, as I don't feel worthy enough.
But as an actor, I'm told countless times to feel what a character is feeling. But it's impossible. My head isn't up to it.
But from now on, I'm gonna give it a fucking good try. (Nothing's impossible really.)

However, in real life, there's no point.

Just take your own problems and pain, and deal with it.
Don't ask others to share it with you, subconsciously or consciously.
And don't add to other peoples problems either. That cures nothing.

Just quietly get on with the job at hand.

The Cleon Crisp-cup

My mum always used to tell me I was special.
Not because I had some sort of mental disablity or anything.
She just said it cuz she was my Mum. That's what Mums do.

You see all those funny people on X-factor who say "My Mum says I'm a good singer" literally straight after they just murdered I Believe I Can Fly, by R Kelly.

Well of course your Mums gonna tell you your good dickhead! It's your fecking Mum.
If she didn't then she could probably get accused of child abuse.

But it still amazes me how much people are influenced by their Mums telling them they're special. I mean I was. I only started acting because my Mum said that.
And it doesn't just stop at Mums either, it could be anyone. Your Dad, your teacher, in fact pretty much anyone with an influence over you.
If they say your special, then you believe them.

But before you believe them, take a long hard look at yourself.
Compare yourself to who you were 6 months ago, and then also what you want to become in 6 months time.
Anything close to what you wanna be?
I bet not.

Deep down. In the gut of my stomach, I know I'm not special.
I'm nowhere near. In fact I struggle to be average.
I want to be special. I really do!

I want a unique and crazy personality where I'm one of a kind. But I just know I'm not.
I look at other people, and admire them for who they are, and that what they do is better than what I can do. I just think, "Wow, I'm just like you, but a diet version."
In fact I get kinda jealous. And I wish I was them.
I mean I could try being something a little bit different to them, so that I'm unique. But I know I never will be. I will always be the same deep down.

Not special.
Not different.
Not unique.

But, what I am however, is a different perspective.
If you've read one of my earlier blogs, I make the brash statement of saying that life is always the same. Good or bad. It's just viewed from a different perspective.

This is most true now.

This person I was jealous of, may be better than me when viewed from a certain perspective.
But from another perspective, or another persons perspective, I completely blow them out of the water.

You tell me how many people you know prefer Diet Coke to normal Coke?
Cuz I know a lot.

Your mum is always right, because she always has the right perspective.

I've left a lot unanswered on this blog, but it's too long, and too late to carry on. If you have any qualms or questions, check this bad boi out: http://www.formspring.me/cleonclarke

Still Alive

You ask anyone what they want in life, and it's always happiness.

Quite rightly too tbh. Happiness is probably the most important thing in life.

Or is it?

Don't get me wrong. I just want to be happy for the next 60 odd years I spend breathing. That is quite literally the meaning of life if I'm being honest. The pursuit of happiness.

But, as with everything, it's no way near as simple as that.

Newtons 3rd Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.

Hmm.

Lets assume for a second, that to be happy, you kinda need to be a "winner" in life, instead of a loser. I'm not saying that every human being on the planet can be categorised into two catagories, win or fail, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.
I mean, if you fail at everything you do at life, your hardly gonna be joyful are you?
Well if there is such a thing as a winner, then there must automatically be a loser.

It is true that such things such as a "win-win situation" do exist, but they are few and far between. And they dont work out that well.

I believe the real winners in life are the ones who say Fuck It to compromise, and get exactly what they want.

How far would you go to be a winner?

All I want in my life is to be happy.
But if I'm sat on my deathbed, and I say "Shit, I wish I hadn't done that." They I dont think it'll have been worth it. You may have been happy for the majority of your adult life, but if your not happy in your final moments of your life, and you begin to regret, then I reckon you've fucked up somewhere down the line.

I'm scared I'm gonna regret.

But Fuck It.
I'll be dead.
I'm pretty sure I wont give a shit.

Are you supposed to be happy, when all you've ever wanted, comes at a price?

I'm a slow reader

Whenever I do well at things nowadays, I feel bad about myself.

I don't know if it's a self defense mechanism that my brain has put in place to stop me becoming disappointed, when things inevitably go tits up.
I hope not. I like to be disappointed. It shows I'm aiming high.

I could easily succumb to the feelings that my brain's sending out, and just stop trying to do well at things.
That way I'd be content.
I'd be the same.
I'd be fucked.
I'd be crying.

Therefore I'm scared about doing well. And its a fear that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. Which isn't good at all.

If I've got this fear, then surely it's always gonna be holding me back later on.

Or maybe it's just setting me up, so that when I do come good, and things turn out well, I feel fucking amazing about myself.

I've missed this blogging shite.

*facepalm*

Straight to the point. I'm in a rut.

Recently, and for quite a while, people have tried to make me feel like I'm a bad person. Like I'm a villain.

Now with the way I was brought up, I know the difference between right and wrong.
But these people made me question myself. They made me think twice about not just what I've done, but who I am. They made me question what I stand for.
They also seem to have convinced a lot of other people that I'm a terrible, and heartless person. And if so many people thought that, then who was I to say they were wrong?

I mean, I'm sure Hitler thought he was a really nice person. He just had a different point of view to everyone else.
However, a lot of things point the fact that Hitler was a dick. He committed a genocide, and cause the deaths of millions of people.
Everyone in the world must have thought he was a dick. But did he know it?
If he did, did he care? I don't think so.

A lot of people play up to something when they are labelled it. If a kid gets labelled as an ASBO, then he usually goes and becomes even more of a dick than before. If someone gets labelled as a fighter, then he will go and get in more fights. If a girl gets labelled a slag, then they will go out and see more boys. People like to play up to what people think of them, even if it's bad.
Why? So that they belong?
Or are they, in fact, not playing up at all, and instead thats what they were like in the first place, but now its just more noticable.

If everyone thought that Hitler was a nice guy, then I'm sure a lot of people may have forgotten those few million Jews he killed.

What I'm trying to say is; people see what they want to see.

If they know that someone is nice and helpful, then they will look over the fact that he/she just stole someones seat in the social lounge. They will just see the funny side.

On the other hand, if a person thinks that someone is horrible and mean, then they're going to think that stealing someones seat in the social lounge is a horrible thing to do. It adds to their reputation.

On a personal level, I believe I have a reputation. A bad one.
So that therefore when I do bad things, people easily pick up on them, and then use that as ammunition, adding to their assumption of me.
They will forget all the nice things I've done. In fact, they wont even notice them in the first place.

I am not a bad person.

But some people say I am.

I don't know why they say this anymore. I really don't.

"This journey's almost over, I'm the only one left,
Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Walter Nepp,
The other guys have taught you things of great positive worth,
But I'm afraid I'm here to bring you back down to Earth,
See you can live your life in control and be nice,
But even that will not promise you a happy life,
You may think yourself in general to be a nice guy,
But I'm telling you now - that right there is a lie,
Even the nicest of guys has some nasty within 'em,
You don't have to be backlit to be the villain,
Whether it be greed lust or just plain vindictiveness,
There's a level of benevolence inside all of us,
You can paint yourself an image and live in your own little dream,
But this ain't a dream, it's one big silver screen,
So when you think you've got your happy ending don't ever forget it,
It ain't over til you hear the sound of your end credits."

Spray pants.

"To get respect, you must give respect" - Jon Jepson

A natural urge for any human being is just to be liked.
If people like the person they see in front of them, then that person must surely feel good about themselves, right?
Right. And wrong.

If you have a lot of friends, then obviously your doing something right in life, because people like to be around you, and must enjoy even knowing you.

Let's not forget that Hitler was a popular person. He was a people person too.
Im pretty sure that if I met Hitler on a night out, I would probably develop a man crush on him. He was just that kind of guy. He could talk well, he was strong and positive minded (which is possibly the most attractive trait a person can have) and I've even heard he could be quite funny on occasion.

But in all honesty, was he a nice guy?

Many of the same traits that I've also heard about the Queen. Yes, I'm comparing the Queen to Adolf Hitler. I believe they have the same sense of attractiveness, which is probably due to the fact that they both had a lot of power.
Another natural urge for any human being is to have power.
And people in power can rule over us-blessed-without-power, in either 2 ways:
Fear or Respect.

In my experience, fear works much better in having an effect on people. It's easier, it's quicker. There are really many, many advantages for it.
And there are plenty less advantages for ruling with respect. It's much harder, takes a lot more effort, and generally doesn't work as well.

But then why, when I'm put in the situation of wanting/needing to have control over other people, do I always try to get them to respect me? And never fear me?
It rarely works out, yet I can't seem to change my ways.

People will like you and want to be friends with you for 2 reasons. Fear and respect.
Admittedly it's more indirect, but it's still the same. I think.

I urge everyone out there to go for respect. Fear is a horrible feeling.

Ruled The Roost

I need a game plan.

Cuz I mean, when you're "born to be an actor" like I am, you need to put in a little effort to do it, don't you?
So I need a little game plan. Just a few small targets so that I'm not so bogged down by the grand scheme of everything. Because then self motivation is just that little bit easier.

Nice choice of words, Conor. Game plan.

As if life's a game.
Life isn't a game. Life is an ultra serious concept that you must take seriously, because that is the only way you'll seriously get anywhere in it.

Fuck serious.

Love unserious.

Waiting For The Beat To Kick In.

Today, I finally felt like I was ready.
Ready for the world.
Ready to live.
Ready to achieve.

It's rare to ever get a feeling like that. One of almighty hope and freedom.

Freedom. Not free.
I didn't feel free. In fact, I felt as trapped as ever.
Cuz I realised how little my life had been before, and still is.

To be free is to be able to do whatever you want, without any consequences.
To have a sense of freedom, is basically knowing that whatever you do has consequences, but fuck it, I'll deal with the consequences when they come along.


Today I felt as adult and mature as possible. I felt wise.

This moment didn't happen instantly, of course. In fact it took about as long as a 20 minute walk in the freezing cold.
(e.g. Nowhere near as long as it seems.)

Tomorrow I shan't feel the same.

Chicken Nugget (Monologue)

I’d like to tell you a story if I may.
A week last Monday, I was in town, on my way to an audition actually. If you hadn’t already guessed I’m an actor, as is pretty obvious as I am on a stage talking to all of you…….
I was walking towards the audition and there was McDonalds on the floor. There was a empty box which had previously held a McChicken sandwich; there was the brown bag that you get when you’d like to take your newly purchased meal out of the eating establishment with you; and there was a chicken nugget. Bang splat, in the middle of the pavement, a chicken nugget. Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t freaking eat it, did I!
I know im blabbering on, but please, hold on in there, I am getting somewhere…. I think.
After the audition, it went really well actually, but I didn’t get the part, I was walking back, taking the same route as I had previously taken, and to, to my horror…I guess…. As I retraced my steps towards the aforementioned uneaten meal, I noticed that there was no chicken nugget.
It had gone.
Still there, strewn across the path I was about to take, was the vacant box and tanned paper bag, but no chicken nugget.
Now that got me thinking about life.
Now if a litter picker were to pick up this chicken nugget, he would surely pick up the box and bag too, right? I mean, if he wanted to, he could even have put the nugget, inside of the box, which then would have been a perfect fit to fit inside of the bag, which would make his job a hell of a lot easier really, wouldn’t it? It would kind of be how Mr Ronald intended it in the first place really, food inside box inside bag. You could even sell it as a meal if you want to, to a tramp or somebody…… (Clicks fingers)…a tramp.
A poor guy with barely a penny to his name must have stumbled across the nugget and ate it. From what I saw the nugget was in pretty good condition, I mean, it was all in one piece like, and had no real dirt of any kind on it. If I was a vagrant anyway, I would have eaten it.
But seriously, how horrific does your life have to be, to pick up and eat a mouldy, cold chicken nugget that had been on the floor. Pretty shite is the answer.
I said before that I wanted to be an actor… well actors are out of work 98% of the time. They’re skint, pretty much permanently. In a few years time, fuck, that could even be me. Depressing eh?
This got me to start to think more deeply into the situation however, and I thought, wait a minute! Who’s the beneficiary from this state of affairs? The fucking tramp! He’s been trundling the street, starving, perfecting his depressed voice with the line, “any change please?” all day, and then, lo and behold he finds the Holy Grail, a freaking nugget! He’s the happy one here! And who’s the person who is most distressed by this outcome? The person who dropped the nugget!
I mean, they are quite expensive for what you get, you know what I mean? He or she must have been well pissed of.
That’s when I started to see life in a different light. It’s what you make it, you know? That tramps life is obviously shite. And the person who purchased the McDonalds obviously better, but when faced with a crap situation; suddenly the tramp is having a better time.
Life is what you feel, how you want to see the world and its surroundings as good or bad. If life’s shit, then you’re looking at it the wrong way.

This is when I had one of those, freaky Eureka moments where it all becomes clear, and everything seems to make sense, when a pigeon flew by with a great big chicken nugget in its mouth.

Life isn’t what you make it, in fact it just depends on how fucking insane you get.

What is get?

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hmmmmm, I dunno how to start this.

Just been to see Valentines Day, the film.
Its nothing special, I wouldn't go to see it unless it's like a date movie or summat tbf.
But it got me thinking about love. And Valentines Day. Relationships in general really.

Valentines Day is a lovely day isn't it? It's a time where people can just express their love, and it's all okay! You're supposed to!
But of course there's the problem of having noone on V Day.
That's pretty shitty isn't it?
The one day where everyone wants be loved, but no-one wants to love you.
Major rejection.

No one wants to feel rejected.

And it's not as if people really want this super al encompassing love and marriage is it? They just want to be loved, for the day.

There's nothing wrong with that of course. In fact it's kinda nice to suspend reality for a few hours, even though you know that nothing will ever happen in the future.
Suspending Reality
What a fucking good idea that is.

Stopping everything, and just losing yourself in something.
Losing yourself in an emotion.
Losing yourself in a moment.
Losing yourself with someone.

And that, my friends. Is love.
That emotion, that moment, that person. It's love.
Saying that one big FUCK IT, to reality. It may only be short, or it may last a long time, but it most certainly is love.

(And yeah, I knew you would read this.)

Fucccckkkkk, that film must have gotten to me.
Im such a gay.

E=MC Vagina

I once heard that when you take cocaine for the first time, then it attacks your nervous system or something.
It causes a massive high, and your happiness level goes through the roof! But then the comedown is pretty hard to take, and it causes serious damage to your psyche.
Your comedown takes your "happiness level" down a notch, and you're unable to be as happy as you were before taking the drugs.
The only other way to be as happy again is to take more drugs.

Is this true?

And if it is, is this theory exclusive to drugs?
Or is it just how life works in general?

If you replace cocaine with pain in that paragraph, it still makes the same amount of sense as before.
As soon as the initial pain is over, you feel a sense of, well I'm not really sure. Relief? Excitement? Hope?

But that feeling, whatever it is, does not erase the pain. The pain will always still be there. It's just human nature to try and feel other things to replace it or forget it.
And I'm fine with that.
I'm just really emo, and I'm into this sort of shit.

Emotion, and pain in general, really interest me. I know, I should have done Psychology at A-level, but I prefer to do my own research. ;)

LOL! I just read this back, and it's blindingly simple. This is just how life works, and I've known this for years, I guess. It's just that sometimes you get a different perspective on something, and it seems like it's brand new.

Now I think about it, everything in life is exactly the same. It's just from a different perspective.

We don’t make mistakes, we have happy little accidents

"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.” - Muhammad Ali

Does anybody else ever get the feeling that they're really, really not a nice person?
Does anybody else ever take a look at their morals and attitudes and say, "Shit, maybe I'm wrong"?
Does anybody else ever have those feelings of clarity where you see yourself for how others see you, and dont like the person you've become?

Dont worry, this isn't another, "mwah mwah, look at me, aint I fucked up? Mwah mwah" blog.

I kinda believe I saw myself for who I truly am. And I'm a dick.

I'm not the person that I thought I was, because my ego got in the way too much. I'm an immensely confident person at times, (and thats because I have to be, I'm an actor) and it has taken a very long time to knock that ego down enough, for me to realise that, I fail.

But fail is awesome.

Fail means there's work to be done.
Fail means you can build on what you have.
Fail doesn't mean go in another direction, it means push further in the direction you're already going.
Is it any coincidence that Fail, and Future, both begin with F? I think not.


So technically, this means that now I've realised where I go wrong, from now on I will always be right.
Fuck me, I'm amazing.
I love you Conor.

Word to your Mother

First day of Half Term. And I'm bored and have nothing to do.
Fail.

I'm skint.
I'm bored of my Xbox.
I've finished watching season 7 of 24.
There's nothing in my cupboards so I cant try cooking anything.

Now in this situation, I'm sure most men would just say fuck it, and break out the tissues.
But then I had a brainwave!
Why dont I play with something that I haven't used in a while?

No, not my penis. My PSP!

I got my PSP for my 14th birthday. Over 4 years ago!
And to be brutally honest at the time it was the coolest thing EVAR!
Slick black screen, small enough to fit in your pocket, and with the graphics as good as any ps2 game. It was the portable dogs bollocks of video gaming.
In fact, it was so good, that I've decided to give it a post 4 year (Its actually over 5 years old though) review!

I know! How utterley sad is that!?
But like I said before, NOTHING better to do.

Review Time

So, first of all, how has it aged?
Well, as far as I can tell, brilliantly!
Its still looks effing beautiful, and the screen quality still amazes me.
The analogue stick still feels a little weird, but kinda fun to play with, so I'll let it off.

Games wise, I dont have any new ones at all. The newest I have is Crisis Core, a Final Fantasy 7 prequel.

This game however, is unbefuckinglievably good.
It's not just one of the best games I've ever played on the PSP, but one of the best I've ever played. Full stop. Period. Fo Sho.
However, this is not a review of that, so I'm stopping.

The PSP is good and I like it because it is nice, which is very good because it is very old.

Okay!! Im shit at this reviewing business. I give up.

I can't really review anything like this anyway, because you really need to use it again to enjoy it.

Everything I've just said boils down to this:
The PSP is still the shit.

I urge all of you out there with a PSP locked away somewhere in a drawer; GET IT BACK OUT!
The PSP is gonna make a comeback boiiiii!

The PSP revolution starts here! Okay maybe not but it's a nice thought.

What do you think?

Brad Pitt's Real Name Is William

START
If this is the good life, I aint looking to live it.

How have I gotten myself into a hole this deep?
I dont fucking want this. I cant handle this.

Lifes a fucked up circle where hate becomes a desire for love, which in turn leads to frustration, which causes more hate.
I never wanted the hate in the first place.

I seem to have spent my whole life managing not to make mistakes. I had never made one. Not up until D-day.
Maybe thats why I was so fucking stupid.
HOW CAN YOU LEARN FROM MISTAKES IF YOU'VE NEVER MADE ANY?

I wish I'd have fucking known that there was no way back.

You were the biggest mistake. And I am the unforgivable.

Has anyone ever been in a position where they are unforgivable?
I would like to know what they did.
I dont know what to do anymore.
I've tried. And I'm tired of failing.
STOP

Ive realised what blogs are for now. They work in the same way as a photograph. You take a picture and then you've captured a memory.
The same for a blog. Cept you dont capture a memory, you capture a mood, or an emotion.

Can you guess what emotion that was up there?
It was depression.
It comes in waves now, and I was lucky enough to capture it while it was still there.

I'm happy now though, because it only comes in waves and usually ends after a little bit.
And that didn't happen by magic.

Thankyou.



I'm hungry........

The person who voiced Bugs Bunny was allergic to carrots.

Bit of a change to the usual depressing Cleon Clarke blog, because this time Im just gonna list song lyrics that 1. Make me wee a little, and 2. Are just plain genius.
Just something different for all those readers out there. (A massive 0 people read the last 3 blogs :))

1. Riverside - Sidney Samson

For some reason the original version of this song wasn't good enough for the charts, so theyve re-done it, with a pointless rap in the middle :/

"Me plus you, that equals better equations
We must do, subtraction of your clothes"

I swear down this is just a really really old chat up line.
Makes me laugh though, cuz it makes me cringe.

"Nuff bout me, what's up wit you
1 plus 1, it equal two"

WTF?! Rule number one when talking to a girl: If everything is going well, start quoting mathematic equations. Trust me they fucking love it!

2. Gay Bar - Electric Six

Now every lyric in this song is fucking briliiant, but one just stands out as pure genius.

"I've got something to put in you"

And then repeat about 4 or 5 times.
I dont need to describe why this is funny tbf.

3. I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs

I must have listened to this song a thousand times before I realised what it said.

"Girls run around with no clothes on
To borrow a pound for a condom"

I know its about a riot, but I still dont truly understand why they say this. But tbf, its only funny, cuz I never realised they said this!

4. B.O.B - Outkast

Love this song, and if youve ever wondered what B.O.B stood for, now you know.

"Bombs Over Baghdad"

Awesome, cuz theyre getting kids to sing this!

5. She Has A Girlfriend Now - Reel Big Fish

Now I'm sure there are hundreds of brilliant Reel Big Fish lyrics out there, but this one stands out for me :)

"I never thought it would end like this,
Just because I've got no tits.
I'll shave my legs,
I'll wear a bra,
I'll even cut my penis off for you!"

You see this is funny, because I know some people that would probably do this, if theyre girlfriends turned lesbian!
And as Ben Coltman would say "Get your Hatchett out!"
;)

Beware. The Daleks Are Coming.

Theres always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe true, but by "tunnel" it implies its horizontal.
I wish. It seems pretty fucking vertical if you ask me.
A hole. With slippery walls that if you try climbing, you just fall back down.
The light is a carrot on a stick. There to make you try harder and harder to reach it. But you wont.
The light is hope. And as we all know, there is always hope.
Only because we so fucking blinded by the light.

Were so blind we cant see that hope is exactly the same as religion.
A fucking fairy tale made to make us happy.
There to stop us from realising how everyone is fucked.
People seem to turn their backs on reality and delve into their imagination. Because its so much nicer.

Its a place where everyone can be happy,
everyone can be strong,
everyone can have fun,
everyone is perfect.
Because your imagination is perfect.

But the only thing perfect in this world is yourself.
You are the perfect human being.

Which in turn means that everyone else is imperfect.

I cant wait to get the fuck out of here, and go into my imagination.
Its so much nicer.